Beaucoup de choses cette semaine, mais tu es si belle et si triste que ca m'empeche de faire des betises comme toujours.

Things I have done this week:

1. The first group at the lycee.

2. Translated a CV into English.

3. Fait la fete with the Germans.

4. Seen a French film that was incredibly French. This pleases me. Listening in snatches is far easier when you don't have to respond constantly, even if it is hard.

5. Found the bin place in the underground cavern.

I adore my job, and I adore Paris. I can't stop thinking about how she's sad at the moment, and it's not her usual way. It's because of traumatic life events. I don't think she wants me to be around, but it is difficult to tell. I went to see her tonight and she looked rested but distracted. She walks me to the bus stop as if we're small children, as if we're reliant and need each other; I haven't done this since I was small, walking along step in step, halfway between both our houses to check the other person's safe though there's no need any more, because we already both are. We are grown ups, I am used to going around at five in the morning on my own, she's got children... but I like it all the same, and I wish I could give her that feeling, of being watched over. She told me about her aunt dying, and I asked what she did in the day, and I think she thought this was a change of conversational topic when it wasn't, really. She said she was crying very easily. This happens when she stops smoking or is just generally feeling emotional.

There are so many times when I just want to take her in my arms and kiss her forehead and stroke her hair, to tell her that she is beautiful and I can't comprehend that she would ever have believed otherwise. When she cries especially. 'Don't be scared of me crying', she says, but I'm not. I just want so desperately to hold her till she's finished and make her feel safe. This wouldn't solve everything, and it probably wouldn't work; maybe it would if the man she's seeing did it. She has a tendency to throw herself after people that don't return much; or they do return it, but via giving things, for parties, via skirts and shoes and doing things around the house. Maybe this is what she wants. I can't provide financially; I can assemble things, but I can't do advanced plumbing, I can clean. I like doing things for her. But it doesn't matter, because she adores him, and the biggest thing that makes her adore him is probably the way that he is superficially kind but tells her what to do (even if it's not what she wants to hear, it's someone in the driving seat) and that he doesn't return affection. Maybe if he did, she wouldn't want him so much. And this is the area in which I would fail the most, because when I fall I fall hard, and I can't stop myself from adoring. It's not always what people want, though.