I am missing you. I joked today, to the Supermodel, that I was wearing your clothes because I missed you. I put on your coat because it's nearest to hand and it's got pockets for cigarettes and matches, because it buffets me against the wind, I put on your shoes because they're easiest to slip on- but a part of me does like wrapping myself up in the fabric that held your body, soft and safe. I laughed after I'd told her, but there's an element of truth. Tu me manques.
And I'm grateful because you're there, my love. You're present. You're there to laugh with, to tease gently, to be kind to, to share my worries with, and you, in turn, share yours with me. It's very gentle, what we've got. Very sweet. As soft and gentle as the kiss you give me every morning and night, as soft as your silken face, as soft as the scent of soap that emanates from you. You know what I'm thinking, or more to the point, how I think and don't correct my speech because you understand; you understand my pride and you understand me, without having perfect pronunciation. You're kind. And so I am grateful, for this relationship, which, although not the grande coup de foudre, is a bond. A link for me and for you. Between us.
It's something that E, my sister hasn't got. She hasn't got someone to shout, 'bonjour' to when she comes home, she hasn't got someone to remark on the cold to, she hasn't got someone to discuss the finer points of various sorts of bread with. They're the things that are not important, but open the doors to other things. H's epilepsy. Your husband. How I feel about my family. They're the things that I like talking about, the unimportant things that are nonetheless interesting. They're the things I need in the day. Someone to pass the time of day with. It's lucky that you're also beautiful and interesting and funny, and so loving. It's so unlucky that E hasn't. I wish I could give her a week with your safety, with you being with her as you are with me. Life is about having someone to be with. I'm so glad that I'm with you. It's not romantic, it's not even close. But you do love me, in your way, and I don't think that it will change. Friends, or family. Stable and kind, and soft.
Monday, 6 February 2012
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