Alone together.

I am not at all sure how I feel about you. You don't give anything away, or you don't give anything to me. I don't know if I love you, or if I could, because you don't even want to give 'Fairytale of New York' a chance and prefer to listen to your odd, syncopated beats. I like them too, but I'd like it if you were open to what I like.

I don't feel that instant connection with you, that I felt with HC.

Yet, you teach me so gently, with your lubricated rubber gloves 'for hygiene' and you don't ask anything of me.

Sometimes, when I'm with someone who professes to adore me, and yet I don't adore them, I feel alone. Together. The first time you had sex with me, I didn't feel like that, so it was easy. Last night, I felt a bit alone. It was all too fast- I got in, and you wanted to straight away, but I didn't.

I wanted to watch a wintry film, and you didn't.

You wanted to sleep naked, and you did, but I kept my pyjama bottoms on, and you wouldn't touch me because you were 'too hot'. And I don't know, now, whether or not I adore you.

I imagine, if it ever was to happen with HC or with anyone, that we would be able to fall asleep in each other's arms and go out at the weekend and that we'd be proud of each other. With you, it's not like that. It's not my vision of how it should be. It's not what I want. It's different, and I can't throw myself in as much with you as I thought I'd be able to after that first week. I'm not desperate to hear your voice or to hear from you at all. I don't like that. I want to have that feeling of falling head over heels. I haven't got it with you, and I don't even know whether or not I want to. Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to listen to me properly?

I want to learn from you, and I want to know about how. I want to turn you on but I'm not sure. I don't like the feeling that I'm watching myself from overhead, I don't like feeling alone at the moment that we're meant to feel together. It makes me feel lonelier.

B once said that she just feels doubly as sexy, if she's not into the other person. I feel isolated.