Fretwork.

I feel like I might cry tonight, and for no other reason than I have had what can only be termed as a discussion with my Father. It began quite easily- Mum and Dad asked my sister to play something on her guitar for my Grandma. She did, very well. She learns the guitar. Then I started to fool about on it- I don't know chords or anything, I was just strumming a bit. My Dad, whenever he sees me do this, attempts to teach me chords or songs. I know that my reaction to this should be that it's lovely, how wonderful, he wants to involve me in something he likes. But instead I feel as if he's inflicting his enjoyments upon me. I don't know if I want to learn the guitar or not, but he was on about buying one for me. Our house is crowded with four guitars, and I don't need another one. I always had to ask for dancing kit, and it irks me that he would so readily throw money on this and not at another hobby.

I think that the main reason I don't want to learn the guitar is because I resent the amount of praise my brother and sister get for it; they are always asked to play something for visitors. I used to dance, and I like to act and read but I am never, nor have I ever been, encouraged to recite a verse or poem, or to show off what I'd learnt. They never asked if they could help me learn my lines for various plays. I feel like they find it boring. I feel that my family are almost ignoring my interests, when they aren't. They come to see my plays, and they always say how proud they are of me, and they don't exclude me from social gatherings. They're coming to see Macbeth with me. I said that I felt that they were slightly embarrassed of my dancing and acting, and Dad said no, they were proud, but it was difficult for them to get into it because he is already interested in the guitar, as are my other siblings. This deteriorated into a debate on why I feel I have to be different. I don't feel I have to be different. It's just that I'm more interested in acting than music; I don't feel that the effort I'd put in would equal the pleasure I'd get out. Then my Dad moved on to discussing why I want two weeks work experience in a big publishers in London as opposed to six weeks work experience here. I know that it would be cheaper, but I want to aim high as opposed to working on a little paper. I'd rather work for an international brand, and form contacts and gauge what I might want to do after leaving university than while away the summer at a smaller outlet. I don't think it's out of my league to try for this.

At the end of this debate my Dad said, again, that it was hard for him to get across how much he loved me without coming across as stifling. I said he didn't come across as stifling, and added that I loved him too. Which I do, but I said it in such a flat monotone that I might as well have muttered "oh well". I just wasn't into happy resolutions and peachy resolvings. I come out of exchanges of this nature with my Dad feeling that he has won, even if he hasn't, because I am always on the brink of tears, and the way I control that is to be monotone and immovable. I don't want a hug. I want independence and respect. I can't get that if I don't communicate effectively, or if I break down in tears. Those are pathetic things to do.

Dad also pointed out that I am very defensive. I said that this was because I felt that any suggestion he made that was not met with approval on my behalf would be pushed until it was, such as the small job versus big job situation. It isn't just that either, he never used to believe that I was working hard at school unless I was achieving top marks. It doesn't really matter what we do so long as it compares with everyone else. My ten year old sister came home from her first gym session today and said that she'd beaten her personal best, to which my father said well done and then enquired how that ranked with everyone else. She didn't know. It's always a competition with everyone else, and he wonders why I'm so defensive. So I have to put up a big defence in order not to be pushed into something somebody else wants in the first place. I always have to defend my decision if it isn't one that he would have come to. Just saying that I don't want to work on this small paper isn't good enough for him, no reason is, it has to be defended and explained.

I come across as such a whiny brat. Well, I am. I want for nothing, and I've got both my parents who are both wonderful, generous, caring and attend my plays and festivals even if it's not their first choice of hobby. What more can I ask for? It isn't as if they want me to give up acting to play the guitar. I'd hate it if they simply acquiesced to my every request. Some people have a terrible time growing up, and I am not one of them and this rambling post should be deleted and consigned to the back passages of my mind.