A thousand beautiful things.

Not quite a thousand, but definitely a single one. My parents love me, and I think they respect me as well. I used to think that they were always a little bit ashamed of me; I've never been the prettiest child, I've never been the most sociable. I suppose that I thought that they were embarrassed by my lack of social ability, though I have friends, I can't work them out like my brother can. I am clever, but not so astronomically that this excuses my other failings. I took to drama and dance, which are things that showcase chubbiness, and my other shortcomings instead of eschewing them. I think my parents would have liked me to be sporty, and well liked by everyone, out in the world. And I am out in the world, but this happens to be my own world. I do know that they are proud of me and that they love me; it's just the way they react to my brother's guitar playing, and they don't seem to care about what I do. I mentioned I'm writing two stories, and they just became silent. They're not as happy with my academia as they were, I'm not a shining star anymore. Who am I kidding? The more I analyse it, the more of a disappointment I feel I am. I feel that I estrange myself from them every time I talk about drama, when my brother brings them closer. I still do feel embarrassed, about dancing and drama, I feel that any performances I am in they are dragged into because they love me, but honestly, if I'm not onstage I know they'll be hating it. They say on the night that it's good, but they never mention it again. I'm always saying that I wish I was an actress like..., but they never say, "you could be" or anything like that. So I am either a bad actress or so ugly that it would be futile for me to attempt.

They're always saying they think I'm beautiful, and how proud they are. But it's a different pride, a pride that I'm out in the world, or just that I can be nice. I detest nice people, they're so vulnerable. I don't think that they think I'll succeed; they always worry that I'll be lonely, or that my money is running out, or that I'm not running my life as effectively as I should.

And I've got silly ambitions. I do want to be an actress, it's true, and I daren't tell them. I don't know how because I won't have money to go to drama school, and if I've not been noticed yet I never will be. I want it so much, there are thousands who do as well, and thousands that are better than me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be one of those girls that tragically gets ideas above her station, but my time is running out to decide what to do.