Cheese dreams and friendship teams.

Eating today

bacon sandwich-300
smoothie-120
orange juice-80
pasta and tomatoes-320
820
sultanas oats 2tsps greek yoghurt-250
apple-25
sultanas-20
2 biscuits-200

500

so... 1320. That isn't completely unrespectable actually. Tops, it's 1400, if I've overestimated with the sultanas.

I went off on a weekend with Little Bird and some others. I shared a bed with her, and it was like being sisters. It threw into relief that she is attention seeking, and aggrandizing of minor events... but also that she is insecure and amusing and lovely.

There were discussions to be had. I said she couldn't keep a secret, joking, and she said she could. She has kept them about me, that is true, but can't seem to keep secrets about herself. She hasn't told anyone, to my knowledge, about the auditions or about my freak eating. But then, she has said to one of my friends (who calls me fat in the sort of way that implies I'm a rake) that he shouldn't do this- when I am trying so hard to be someone that doesn't care. If I'm completely honest I like it when he does this, because it implies that I'm so far from fat it can't touch me, even in jest. Her complaining makes me think that she thinks I'm fat- too fat for a fat nickname. Politics of it are difficult.

She's feeling the weight she's put on lately, she says. She doesn't feel good about herself. I was laughing about a picture that there is floating about of me- it looks like there's a chrysalis or some sort of insect embedded in my back, but it's just muscle and bone really. I was wondering why- because I haven't lost weight, I'm 10st 3 or 4, which for my height of 5ft 8 is perfectly healthy (though I want to be less, though I didn't say this to her)- and she said it was because I am damaging myself through bad eating. It really and truly isn't. I am eating fine- way, way over the 500 a day I used to do. I haven't been eating a lot round her because I've had a sort-of flu for the past few days and I've left food because it tastes like mucus- but I really haven't lost weight because of it. I've still been a normal amount. Yesterday, for example, we all sat to dinner which was shepherd's pie, ratatouille and peas, which I completely finished ample portions of, and then pudding- ice cream, lemon tart and chocolate sauce. I ate as much as I could but I was having breathing difficulties by the end (because of mucus and general amounts of food), and didn't finish all the pudding, having ate a massive meal. Little Bird takes this as evidence that I was starving myself. It's good that she's on the lookout for this, and lovely that she cares. I like that she cares, I just wish I could convince her that I am, for me, doing well on the diet front. I know I still record it, and I still think I'm pretty big, but I'm not doing ridiculous things about it, and I'm trying to accept it, and not to care anymore. I also think she's got her own issues- she can eat a hell of a lot, she's got a thing about food and guilt, and feeding people so that she doesn't feel like she's eating. She'll starve then binge then exercise. When she does that cycle I just want to hold her hand and tell her she's lovely, she's fine, she doesn't have to do that cycle. I worry about what she is thinking that's making her do it to herself, or that she's making herself vomit- she's certainly sickened over it- I don't judge her, and I would never, ever say anything- food and guilt are far too linked in her mind, and she's always beautiful, but any mention of food would translate as ugly to her. It does to society, it does to her. I don't know what to do. I only stopped when I realised I could eat what and when I wanted, which has helped a lot. I don't think she lets herself do that.

I had a lovely weekend, caked in mud and pretending I was in an Enid Blyton book.

I am wearing some jeans that I thought would be looser but still aren't as tight as they should be, so that's always a bonus. I might wear them home tomorrow.

I want to be in a musical as leading lady. Too much Nancy.