Awful.

I feel awful.

I went to Cambridge for the weekend and I fear that I've got a small spiky fish bone lodged in my throat. That sums up my feeling about the place. Pathetic fallacy is always wonderful.

I did not succeed in getting into Cambridge. Seeing it at close quarters for an entire day, walking round the colleges that I should have been able to gain entry to but was too thick and stupid to do so, to make the correct decision at the correct time, was nothing other than painful. I could think of nothing to say. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself; firstly because I hadn't succeeded, and secondly because it has been six years since I was rejected, and going there still holds the same feeling that I had all those years ago upon receipt of the letter.

I'd like to pretend that only well connected people get into Cambridge or Oxford, and this is partly true. Sadly, so do many state school pupils, and having gone to a private school, I was probably better prepared than most. I was simply too thick.

I feel as if I've always made the wrong decisions even though everyone seems to aid me in making the right ones. I should have studied languages instead of English. I should have done a gap year and then reapplied. I should be moving out now, I should be abroad, I should be successful and doing exciting things and living my life instead of watching other people be wonderful at their chosen careers and feeling as if I'm the person that everyone pities and speaks about in hushed tones when she's not there.

I feel a stultifying thickening of my wit and general self occuring almost daily; imperceptibly, but gradually. I cannot find anyone to love me whom I love in return, because I set my sights on people that are impossible, and even if not then I turn away. I have not been to see Lady of the House for an eternity, though she is soon moving away, and I forget and let things go where I should make a point of doing them.

I have articulated and set out the reasons wherefore I am one of the people that almost always receives a 'no'. I am whiny and sulking. I petrify like bitumen when anything remotely disappointing happens instead of getting over it and moving on. I simply wish that I was brilliant at something, or at the very least had someone whom I think is brilliant to tell me that they thought the same about me. I need someone, somewhere- professionally, personally, it doesn't matter- to say yes. To something I really want, not just something that is given to me because it's unimportant, or because no one else wants it.

If that is to happen, then I simply need to be better at what I do in every way. And to stop being so utterly and completely pathetic.