Et voila, I feel like shit...

I don't know why. Actually, I do. Last week, I was all sunbeams- I'd found work as a translator, I had D. Now I'm not so sure. I despise being the person that's exciting for five minutes, but that never creates long-term links.

1. As my boss pointed out to me, the new job is permanent. I've got a month's trial period. They could sack me within that month. I could mistranslate something that would kill someone, and get sacked and rejected from the entire career of translator or interpreter.

2. D is not interested. B drove me to hers late last night, and wanted to buy some hash from her. D wasn't interested. Does asking her to sell hash to B make me a horrible person? I thought of it in terms of asking to borrow a bit of sugar from someone when you've ran out. She didn't want to see me after. She doesn't give a fuck, because we only fuck. I don't particularly care about her, either, but being rejected isn't nice. Once weekly was nice, too.

She was moody and only wanted to do things her way. I'm better off well shot. I can focus on people I'd really like. It's still depressing, even so.

3. R had a little party tonight and I was most definitely not invited. I could hear her downstairs, and I think she invited K. She bought K books for her birthday. She bought me gloves. She likes K more and doesn't particularly give a damn about me. Of course. K is at Sciences-Po and enjoys discussing philosophy and politics, can empathise with R's tiny build because she is similarly sparrow-like and goes to T'ai Chi. I wouldn't trust her further than I could throw her, but then, R seems to be happy to welcome her husband back with open arms, who cheated on her, so what's K, thrown into the bargain? R likes clever, powerful people, and I am neither. I was a nice placeholder, whilst she was feeling sad, and now that she's feeling good, never mind. R said she'd never forget, but she does, she has and now she just thinks I'm stupid and not worthwhile. I need to move out of here.

Apart from my family, I can't really make people care about me. Even my University 5, who I was so close to, all forgot my birthday and didn't bother sending me anything, though I send them things. Nobody gives a damn, because I am not worth giving a damn about. They might care that I'm far away, but they don't really. I am fully replaceable, as is everyone, and utterly forgettable. Apart from my family, I don't think anybody really gives a shit. I feel abandoned and dejected and unlovable. Ugh. Having written all this makes me pitiful as well.