Fat fat fat.

A bad day today, for two reasons.

You always tease me but you were harsh. You were annoyed with me, for eating in a certain way- and it was embarrassing, I didn't like you after it. I felt like I'd won because I finished it with, "if you don't like it get your own". You can be such an arse sometimes. You're petty, and manipulative because it makes you feel bigger to knock other people down. We got over it and I wanted to touch you, like I always do. Why do I only ever pick people that hate me? Or that pretend to hate me. Or that don't like me at all and just use me for a while till someone better comes along.

I wouldn't have minded if it hadn't been something that I've constructed so many problems around. Food is such a shaky area. That isn't the right word. I did the food ok today though. And if you're always teasing me about being fat, does it mean you think I'm thin? You tease me for being practically chestless as well.

That was another bad thing- I saw some photographs of me from last nights party and I look hideously fat. They're disgusting. I feel disgusting. I felt fine last night, then I saw these and I thought, oh no.

I want to make a film that looks like an Annie Lennox video. I saw her on TV tonight; I really admired her, till I found out how strangely intense she is. I suppose you have to be to get things done. I wish I could have some conviction about anything other than my own hideousness. That's really the only certain thing for me. It means I'm not judgemental, and I'm not a horrible person; but I seem always to come off worse in arguments, and I hate that. Actually, I don't know if I am not a horrible person. I could well be. I'm just having a dull phase at the moment; I always feel a lack when I'm not involved in drama stuff.