Under the count.

I need to eat more fruit, I'm getting loads of spots.

I asked him if he wanted dinner tonight; not as a date, just as in an I'd-cook sort of thing. I spoke to one of my friends about him, and she said that once he'd said to her that he'd only ever had a real thing for one girl, and that he thought he might be gay or asexual. This doesn't bode well for me. Unless I count the fact that I look a little mannish. I think I'm too spotty for him to like me properly, and he's really clean. I'm probably not clean enough. Or too clingy. He said he'd have dinner tomorrow night, but replaying it, I can't tell if he meant it or if he was just desperate not to talk to me anymore.

I think sometimes that he's a self-promoting geek, and at others I just want to hold his hand. I worry about whether my friends consider him strange, because he is, but then again I am nowhere near normal myself. I'm usually happy in the real world, I just let it all out here.

I am worried about the play, and my schoolwork, and various things. Whether my familial relationships are disintegrating, whether I'll have a fulfilling life etcetera etcetera.

I am in a play with a girl who is really petite. I say this every time I'm in a play, I think that what I mean is that they're petite compared to me. This girl is about five feet three tall, and she's slim. I am obviously a good half a foot taller; this makes for a comedic stage partnership, because we look so very different. She looks young, I look old. She is tan and blonde, I am pale and wan with dark hair, like a vampire. I am tired of this distinction being made; it was made in last year's play. I was told I looked like the girl that was my daughter (who was also small and slim). Anyway, I'm sick of being the mother because I'm taller and wider. I'm never the love interest, or the pretty girl. I get callbacks for those parts but I never actually get them. I can't do anything about being tall, or about my face or the general breadth of my shoulders, which are indeed very broad. I think my collarbones can look stupid; I just look like a man, and I'm tired of it. When people say that we look so different, I think what they're really saying is, "you're huge! Far larger than her!" I don't want to accept it as me, because I want to be the pretty girl. I've felt like this since I was about three and I thought I'd have grown out of it by now.

I was never a bridesmaid. I always thought, in some way, that that was because I wasn't pretty enough.

I wonder if that one girl was slim and pretty? She probably was. They always are; the fatties are never the love interests.