I have never been afraid of being alone. Somehow typical.

It's typical that I'm sat considering you. Always considering someone, and then it's so easy to let it go.

B, you're so incapable of being anything except yourself, and you're so strong. I wanted to roll over and hug you, but you don't like it when you're more upset than the other person. Only, on this occasion, and others, you've got more than enough right to be. I just wish I could give you a hug, but I thought you might feel wrung out by everyone hugging you. I started to wonder if I'd brought it on you by lying, but there's no correlation and I'm not superstitious. It's just a quibble. I was so relieved at the way you were. Tears come later. "It's the end of the road for me and Mum", is a sad thing. And to say it with acceptance and clarity. I don't know if that's how you're really feeling, or if you're just saying it to conflagrate with how I am, but I'd be silent. Not half as cheerfully stoic as you are. I wouldn't cry but I wouldn't be an open book either, and I admire you so much for it. You won't know how much. I'll probably tell you soon. Not that crying would make me judge you or feel that you were less, I'll always admire you. Because I've thought you were brilliant since we met, and you always will be. I would like to be there if you feel bad, if you feel sad- I'd like you to come to me, because I would like to make you feel better, or to share. I think you would. I wouldn't feel awkward hugging you. You've lost weight, but I didn't mention it because then you would have had to say... and you look good, you always have, but it's as a consequence now. I wonder what your Mum thinks?

You said on Friday that your daughter was older than me. I can't help but think that your shoulders must have the sheen of butter. I can't say so. You just laughed about how young I was, and I like you, but we're more similar than that. Not that you'd ever entertain the thought of me, but then, noone I like ever would. I'm too young and too silly, but I admire you and your proud bearing and your certainty. Though I could be your daughter. In another life.

My head's screwed.