Ah, and I wonder why it is that when people dislike someone it makes me like them more secretively?


biscuits-120
smoothie-100
baked potato-400
a biscuit-70
2 digestives-150
squash lollies-20
couscous and salad-450
scotch eggs (2.5)-150
chocolate-150
muesli-350

Shit.

1970

And I thought I'd done OK. I really haven't. Here's a note to myself- do not eat so damn much tomorrow. Especially after school. Go on a walk, for god's sake.

And, ah, I don't know why, but I enjoy the company of JF, linguist. She's ridiculously posh, and hasn't got the best rapport. She's commandeering and doesn't bond, and they don't even do what they're told half the time; AN has got a far better hold. I don't know how. I suppose that she's got strong features, and she's good to have a gossip with, and I like chatting to her. She's interesting. I think she likes my company. She is easily upset by ill-wishers, which I find vaguely ridiculous and fairly endearing. I suppose that women like MC and NG are strong enough for a variety of things, for withstanding- but I am not, and I don't think that JF is either. And people can tell, how far to push it, and how far one will care and how far one will not, and the worth of pushing. JF is at no risk of breaking, and I can't quite put my finger on the quality that the other two have; something that allows them to keep discipline without having to ask about it, or command it. I like the way she makes a stand without being worried what I think.

I don't know why I prefer her company to LC's. I find LC boring, I suppose, and flimsy- there's something quite feeble about the shrill pitch of her voice, like it's a stretching softened plastic piece and I get bored by it easily. Her face looks like a little girl's, made adult. She looks po-faced, though she isn't really... the sort of face that would have made her a pretty child but looks prim into adulthood- no amount of pastel-bright shoes or well-designed fabric will sway that, and she doesn't help herself with the blonde bob cut and the pink lips. JF, on the other hand, has got a lovely voice, it's deep and resonant, and I like to listen. It's the sort of vocal tone that I might like to have. I can imagine her singing well. Isn't it strange. What we find interesting. And I like whining with her- she whines like a little girl- my betting is an only child, or the youngest, not liking things and disliking doing them. Bitching is fairly amusing. A bonding ritual; I do not like this, and so it follows. My enemy's enemy is my friend, though there are no enemies, just vague annoyances and allies.

SC and NG dislike JF; her tone is probably enough to put a fair few people off her. Do people form their tones, or do tones pick people, and make others react to them and form their personalities that way? Either way, I've ascertained that JF's slightly-too-posh voice, her way of dropping at the end of sentences and the drawl-y sort of sarcasm that she uses makes them think that she is putting them down- that she is saying, "I am better than you, I do not care for your line of work". She may well think this, but I don't think she's said it, and it's a shame that a vocal pattern conveys such disdain. I wonder what mine is like? I show off too much. There's a lot of tonal variation and vocal slipping, which makes me seem quite cheerful, I think. I'm probably saved by my own cheerfulness, else everyone would think me a dreadful bore, or a know-it-all. I'm saved by my movement as well; I can't help skipping about constantly or moving when I'm happy or excited, and I think that it makes me non-threatening. People can see how I feel, not so for JF. But others are liked and threatening, like MC. It's a dichotomy.

A lot of my colleagues don't like the way the Tstaff speak to us; they think they're looking down on us. I never have, that, or my aspergers-type personality is simply impervious to snottiness. I think it's a fairly good way to be. Water off a duck's back, and wounded by imaginary things.