Thursday, 9 July 2009

It's out there...

Today, one of my favourites, C.W., stood very close to me and made me feel self-conscious. I had walked in and she was the only one in the room- so I said hello, and surprised her, because I am a quiet mover. G.F.'s shoes always squeak- she wonders why (it's because she's huge), so I pride myself on quiet movement because it insinuates the opposite. Anyway, C.W. came close to inspect my face, I think. I've got a sore on the side of my mouth and I wasn't looking my most attractive. I took a half-step to move away, but then I controlled myself and thought, I don't like backing down, so I stood my ground- but she was very close, and I did wonder why...

Today's a day when I need my perceptions changing in every way. I must stop being so fluttery and flimsy. I need to get more of a punch behind what I say... it's just that I can't be bothered, and I spent most of the morning in a state of worry, which is the stupidest way to spend a morning. If I was worth my salt I'd have brushed it off, chalked it up to experience, or reacted in any number of cliche ways- and I did, but the wrong one- obsessing over it. I still am. Because I didn't act with integrity, and I really and truly hate that. I hate that I didn't act right, my conception of right as well as other people's, whose conception of correct matters to me. I'm fed up that I didn't think about it, that I didn't think at all. These things count- they mean so much to me. More than triumphs, failures are my rates and wares.

Alright. Enough. What have I learnt? To think more. To do more. To consider.

I have got two contrasting parts in plays that I was always desperate to be in. And I am so happy about that, so happy. I can hardly wait.

Telling R.A. about this would probably be a good move. I told J.M, but this was only because I could be sure that she would never judge me. I think that J.P. judged me- I could almost see her snorting, she made a snorting face. Which is a shame, because she's another one I admire. I would like to know the verdict of R.A. and D.B. on my actions- this would help me immensely, to know what they would have done. Or even what M.C. would have done. I feel like if I tell her, I'd be an utter fool in her eyes forevermore. I don't think that M.C. would give me many chances. I feel like she's someone that sees the quotidien goodness of people; who they really are- immediately, and awards marks accordingly and secretly as to how many chances they get. Angry young girls like herself- lots. Middle class wafters like me- very few. I probably get on her last nerve. She despises inefficiency. I don't even know how she feels about everyone else- I think she probably likes A.G., and other people that aren't gushing. I am a gusher. And ineffective. This whittles my chances considerably. I really don't enjoy irritating people that I admire.

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