Here's the thing...

Another day of awful eating. I can't stand it.

And I do only hear what I want to, but what I want to hear is your voice.

"I was eight and a half stone before I had my first child", you said. I replied that I hadn't ever weighed eight and a half stone, but this was a lie because I have, but a small lie. Comparatively.

I had a conflict at work today, not with her but with some people- M.H., and I felt at fault, and I probably was. If M.C. had been there it would never have happened, she would have kept everyone updated and it wouldn't have resulted in the three being plucked out of an assembly that was enjoyable. Ugh. And the way I respond just isn't cricket, and now I am terrified that everyone will believe that I'm an awful disorganised person that chats shit about making a difference but is actually really ineffective and crap and doesn't care about her job at all. I am worried that M.H. thinks I'm vindictive and pre-judging because of how I reacted to one of the resisting girls, I'm worried that I'm judged morally corrupt, and that people will think that I just take decisions without asking anyone else.

I stood our ground, but I didn't stand the ground for the girls, who are my main concern I suppose. I just hate thinking that I've made a glaring error that M.C. wouldn't have made. Though the world is full of good people and bad people, and effective and ineffective people, I worry that I'm on the wrong side. People can appear to be good; look at G.F. Liberal values, works in the public sector, is never overtly nasty, but I can tell that she'd be a dictator if she ever got the chance, and every time she says, "oooh, that colour really suits you", it's to ingratiate herself. Then there's M.C. I've not really heard her compliment anyone, and it's difficult to make conversation with her because she terrifies me, and she can look hatchet faced- but I know that she is good, really good. The girls showed me pictures of her, the terrifying lion girls, and there they were, making stupid faces and M.C. looked so alive and happy, and I wanted to say, "look, this is why she's excellent". She is. Then there's R.A., who is just out-and-out lovely.

And what am I? I really don't know. I just can't fathom it. People who are good seem to like me- my friends, R.A., N.G., but is this because I can make people laugh? M.C. might despise me, for all I know. I suppose that by goodness, I mean people that have integrity. And I really don't know if I have- am I just flippant? I would sometimes far rather be someone else.

Too many biscuits and not enough vegetables today.