How Odd...

That I always adore people less like myself... or not me at all. I like MH, who is kind without being overt about it, who is sensible and simple, and direct. Who is beautiful in what she does. Who is clever, but maybe she doesn't think so- "I couldn't do the gifted"... but you have a knack with simplicity. I cannot distill; you're clarity personified. Whose saddest times were shared, willingly, with a lot of children in a bright sunlit room, and me. I don't know what she thinks of me. I'm hoping it's not hatred, or worse (because she does not hate), irritation. But MH, who is laid back and fair, and who cares, who gets the job done, who responds to things other people don't and ignores the dross... she's brilliant.

And DB, another one, brilliant at everything she does- and they both make me laugh, but I don't know if I can make them do the same. I take any excuse to speak to her... I can't not. I wish I was more like her, or more like both of them. I saw her driving her car in today, and I was in the way (a perpetual feeling with me) and just stood there, staring... comme une vache...she laughed, and I sidestepped away. I'm always floored. I just want to shout, "I'M NOT ALWAYS SHIT, IT'S JUST YOU FLOOR ME!"

I am worried that someone else will come and take my place, as bright young thing. Because I haven't got much, at my job, but I have got my brain... and though I'm not always cleverest, I can get things. What if the new person is like me but better? I hate not being the best me I am.