Ugh... it's just been a crappy week.

I've been at work, it hasn't been wonderful. It hasn't been awful either, I've just been a bit dogged by other things, like MH's revelation that she thinks exactly the same things about me as I think about myself- namely, that I'm a coward, and not half as clever as I think I am.

I don't know what I want, but I know that I want people to say I could be... I don't know. I want MH to like me, despite my flaws, but I don't know if she can. I want people I like to like me even though I'm not brilliant. I like people that are better than me in lots of ways; it's therefore fairly easy for me to like bright people who put forth their views, who are kind and straightforward and honest.

I am not all of these; arguably, I am bright but simultaneously so dim and altogether too proud for my own good. Imprinting my views onto others, I'm terrible at, and being kind... I wonder if I'm like GF, pretending to be kind but not actually being particularly kind. Straightforward and honest... again, I try, but I am so unsure that what I think is the right way to progress that I'm always second-guessing... would MC, SC, NG or AG find this annoying? How would they do it? These processes inevitably fail, because I'm not either of them.

GF, then, has to break it to me in the kindest terms that I'm excellent at what I do except for one little thing... and I know that people don't think this, because MH has told me straight (as she always would) what she thinks of me, and it's so much coarser when she's kind and straight about it.

Ugh. It makes me not want to do anything, which is ridiculous. I need to be less prone to things like this.