Ooooh... I could be angry.

Yet, there are good things about today.

Someone told me that 'you've got the feeling of that woman from Sense and Sensibility'. I would love to know if it's Elinor or Marianne. I'd like it to be Marianne. I've got a sinking feeling that it's Elinor. Though Elinor isn't awful. The feeling, not the look... she was specific about that, and I liked it.

Good things have happened this week, but they're overshadowed by present storms.

C is playing up; being a brat, and yes, he is depressed, he is sad, he is upset... but M and D treat him as if he's this vulnerable little thing, as if he doesn't hit out. We must be careful round him. We must treat him gently, even if he is throwing it all in our face. We must lie down and surrender.

I am heartily sick of being told to surrender. Particularly via email, a pre-emptive surrender from D, who is away most of the time and so gets C's skewed version of things, which is given the same credulity as E's and mine despite his aversion to the truth.

I do not despise C. I even like him (sometimes) and undoubtedly love him, but I cannot stand this particular approach to him; that he is 'really going through it'. They were never as supportive of me. Buck up, is the main message. We can't solve your problems. Work harder, do better, be more tolerant but for god's sake, it's your problem. They only want to know because it's too late.

And then I read this through and think, god, I am bitter. It's not about other things; I don't care if he gets more money than we do, or even if M and D consider me more spiteful than he is. I don't care. I care about the unfair treatment. I care that they don't send little round robin emails to everyone telling them to treat me gently. I know that they do not do this. I hate that we must handle C with care, when he is anything but to us and expects beautiful behaviour from the family in return. I detest the popular misconception that C 'has a good heart' and that I am 'cold hearted' or 'intolerant' or even, on one occasion, 'a spiteful bitch'. And thus responsible. I cannot stand the way that I am a parent, a culpable entity when M and D desire it of me, capable of making him happy or weaning him off nefarious drugs or able to give sisterly advice (under their orders, of course) but I am not to be considered if I say anything that contrasts with their opinion. I can be a mole, find out what's in his heart and pour it out to them, but if I find it unpalatable their ears are closed. I despise myself, that living at home has made me into this teenage angst spewer that has no real problems. That it brings back all of the necessary bile.

The upshot is:

I am angry because C is allowed to be an arse and is treated sensitively when I feel that he needs a kick. D should stop putting pressure on him to excel at school, and make him be less of an utter cock the rest of the time.

It makes me question myself, because I am constantly told that I am intolerant. Doing the work that I do has showed me that I am far too tolerant. I will tolerate... but on different scales, for different things.

I realised today that I am busy seeking approval. I got a present from a pupil. A 'good' pupil, and somehow it was worth less than winning over a bad one was. And this made me think about C- are his opinions worth more because he throws his baby out of the cot more? Why should challenging kids be valued more? I was not one, and now I feel... not undervalued, they value me the same, but they care less about what I feel.

It made me feel awful, and I am glad that the pupil gave me the gift. Everyone else is good with the naughty kids; everyone that I admire says, "ah, I get on well with so and so, though others have said"... And I want to be one of those, one of those respected by nature... rather than one who is not, who is picked and chosen.

Then it made me think, why am I so very reliant on other people's opinions of the children that are 'fun' or 'good at heart'? Why can't I decide for myself? I am only pushing other's views onto myself, and running a popularity contest that I'm destined to fail at. Because MC and AG don't go into every lesson determined to like bastards. They go in to see what they see and to stamp it down, and everyone disagrees and has their own. Why must I conform to who other people think are good?

I have decided that to be a good person, you should conform to what your own idea of good is. I know lots of good people, who I think pick out good people. Some of them pick me. Some, like DB, think I am ridiculous, and not in the way that she is; just ridiculous, pitiful. It makes me wonder whether C and D are right. Every time I'm queried, my entire character analysis falls flat on its face. What kind of person am I? Am I malicious and vindictive and grudge bearing and clever and, god, sympathetic, and kind at times? Because all of these things have been said.

Am I angry because noone has noticed fundamental problems that I have got, larger than C's, equally as self inflicted (though I contain mine, as opposed to unleashing pestilence)- that I starved and people worried but didn't act, didn't send little messages, didn't. That I am upset but it's all about discussion to prove that I am wrong to be upset, I am not allowed to be upset or angry, because that is C's domain. He is allowed to have feelings that are not incorrect. That every time I was worked too hard it was my own fault, for not trying harder, because I always could, of course it was my fault, and just try a bit more and can't you put more effort in and oh, you're a model child so we don't have to think about you. Worry, they said, but think...

I am angry because I keel over and fade into the background as soon as anyone wants me to.