And today I ate:
crisps-200
stew -300
raisins-150
650
cake and cream-300
3 biscuits-300
2 pieces of shortbread-190
chocolate-2 roses, some coins, a chocolate snowman-200
cucumber and pesto-50
1050
more crisps-150
Jesus, and I wonder why I'm becoming morbidly obese. I thought today's tally would be far less than this. Horrific. I haven't even done any exercise to counteract that, I'm on. And I drank last night.
Tomorrow is another day, and I need to be thinking more and eating far, far less. 4 helpings of fruit and vegetables, no wonder I'm feeling terrible.
Tomorrow there will be more fruit and vegetables, and more activity, and just more. Less food, notably. Eating crap gets you nowhere.
I miscalculated- I've actually eaten 1850, still over but under enough that if I eat like this every day I can keep it.
I am going to lose some pounds, seriously, and I think I will make a list of reasons why.
1. I don't feel embarrassed of myself when I am the best weight- this means I can act better, move better, easier, I'm more outgoing and I critique myself less. In other words, weight loss means freedom.
2. I like the way I look more.
3. I want the epithet skinny ascribed to me. Thin. I also want to be hardworking, driven, successful... serious. I would like to be described as or taken seriously. I can do this by being those things.
4. One of my friends is getting married. I want to be thin for it.
5. I want to be thinner for her, more desirable. Someone she's not ashamed to show off, should the opportunity ever arise.
Sometimes I try to dissect the way I feel about people- I certainly have a type. I always go for people larger than me in some way. I hate being large, so why do I find it so desirable? I equate largeness with comfort, with soft places to niche myself into. Not someone I'm worried about judging me, or someone I'm worried about breaking. Though I want to be worthy in other ways- I want to be worthy of people that are clever, intelligence and work ethic are paramount. Everyone I've ever adored works hard and is enthusiastic about being intelligent. If I don't find them attractive the first time I meet them, I always find them attractive once I am head over heels in. The people I like are honest and kind, usually kind in bizarre ways that aren't necessarily kindest. Explosive people, that are quick to anger about anything that riles them. Specific people, who have a set way of doing things and a set way of being. I think this is because my parents are quickly angered, and because I adore extremity- if something is worth doing it's worth doing to the utmost lengths. This is what makes it good. I want injured people, people with a practised and unsuccessful veneer. There's something awfully endearing about vulnerability. I suppose, deep down I am vulnerable and I want someone that I can be ridiculous with. Hard cover, soft inside. Or perhaps I have a saviour complex- I want to be the one to cure them, or to alleviate, to salve the wounds. I am too intense, as Judi Dench says in Notes on a Scandal. I need more than a friend.
Showing posts with label reasons to be thin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reasons to be thin. Show all posts
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Sunday, 4 February 2007
Why I want to be thin.
I will firstly detail how thin I want to be; I would like to weigh 112 pounds. This is eight stones. I am five feet eight tall. I currently weigh 148 pounds, or ten and a half stone, the last time I checked. I tend to rely on measurements and the way my clothes fit. I would like to be a size six or eight as opposed to the ten or (usually) twelve I am at the moment.
Other people would probably say I would look sickly at this weight; that is their opinion. I want to weigh that much because:
1. I haven't got much of a chest. This may seem a strange reason to want to weigh less; the thing is, without a chest the rest of me looks disproportionate. I am a pear shape. My decollete is comparatively bony.
2. I am generally bony with a large bone structure, which makes flab ten times worse when it covers large bones; you just get large, as opposed to large bones. If I was thinner, I'd just look toned.
3. This follows on from the bone structure point; I'm manly and broad enough, I don't need to be fat to consolidate that image.
4. I'd rather appear sylph like than clumpy. That said, I never want to be one of those girls that whines about food; this is why everything I think about food is expressed here. I never speak to anyone about food, because I want to convey the image that calorie counting is incredibly disinteresting to me. I am no woolly knit wearer.
5. The adjective sepulchral can only apply to thin women.
6. I would feel more confident. A cliche, but how true it rings.
7. I don't want pockets of fat either side of my waistband. I want to discard that excess and throw it away; I do not live an excessive lifestyle, my approach is minimalist, I would prefer to be regarded as a conoisseur of art and people than one of food and sedentary activity. The first two fill me up.
8. People remark on slimness; my family notices, and worries. Strangers class you with the thin girls. I don't feel as if I should be asking permission to eat when they're all wanting me to anyway.
9. Clothes that I want to wear suit slim girls. High necks, armless short dresses and summer just round the corner.
10. I want that air of surprise. That isn't the right idiom. I mean, "yes, she beat me at arm wrestling though she doesn't look like she could lift a pin". That sort of thing.
There are more I can't think of now. I can reach these by exercising more. I will start to exercise three times a week. I will also eat five fruits and vegetables a day.
Other people would probably say I would look sickly at this weight; that is their opinion. I want to weigh that much because:
1. I haven't got much of a chest. This may seem a strange reason to want to weigh less; the thing is, without a chest the rest of me looks disproportionate. I am a pear shape. My decollete is comparatively bony.
2. I am generally bony with a large bone structure, which makes flab ten times worse when it covers large bones; you just get large, as opposed to large bones. If I was thinner, I'd just look toned.
3. This follows on from the bone structure point; I'm manly and broad enough, I don't need to be fat to consolidate that image.
4. I'd rather appear sylph like than clumpy. That said, I never want to be one of those girls that whines about food; this is why everything I think about food is expressed here. I never speak to anyone about food, because I want to convey the image that calorie counting is incredibly disinteresting to me. I am no woolly knit wearer.
5. The adjective sepulchral can only apply to thin women.
6. I would feel more confident. A cliche, but how true it rings.
7. I don't want pockets of fat either side of my waistband. I want to discard that excess and throw it away; I do not live an excessive lifestyle, my approach is minimalist, I would prefer to be regarded as a conoisseur of art and people than one of food and sedentary activity. The first two fill me up.
8. People remark on slimness; my family notices, and worries. Strangers class you with the thin girls. I don't feel as if I should be asking permission to eat when they're all wanting me to anyway.
9. Clothes that I want to wear suit slim girls. High necks, armless short dresses and summer just round the corner.
10. I want that air of surprise. That isn't the right idiom. I mean, "yes, she beat me at arm wrestling though she doesn't look like she could lift a pin". That sort of thing.
There are more I can't think of now. I can reach these by exercising more. I will start to exercise three times a week. I will also eat five fruits and vegetables a day.
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