Hmmm.

And today I ate:

crisps-200
stew -300

raisins-150

650

cake and cream-300
3 biscuits-300
2 pieces of shortbread-190
chocolate-2 roses, some coins, a chocolate snowman-200

cucumber and pesto-50

1050

more crisps-150

Jesus, and I wonder why I'm becoming morbidly obese. I thought today's tally would be far less than this. Horrific. I haven't even done any exercise to counteract that, I'm on. And I drank last night.

Tomorrow is another day, and I need to be thinking more and eating far, far less. 4 helpings of fruit and vegetables, no wonder I'm feeling terrible.

Tomorrow there will be more fruit and vegetables, and more activity, and just more. Less food, notably. Eating crap gets you nowhere.

I miscalculated- I've actually eaten 1850, still over but under enough that if I eat like this every day I can keep it.

I am going to lose some pounds, seriously, and I think I will make a list of reasons why.

1. I don't feel embarrassed of myself when I am the best weight- this means I can act better, move better, easier, I'm more outgoing and I critique myself less. In other words, weight loss means freedom.

2. I like the way I look more.

3. I want the epithet skinny ascribed to me. Thin. I also want to be hardworking, driven, successful... serious. I would like to be described as or taken seriously. I can do this by being those things.

4. One of my friends is getting married. I want to be thin for it.

5. I want to be thinner for her, more desirable. Someone she's not ashamed to show off, should the opportunity ever arise.

Sometimes I try to dissect the way I feel about people- I certainly have a type. I always go for people larger than me in some way. I hate being large, so why do I find it so desirable? I equate largeness with comfort, with soft places to niche myself into. Not someone I'm worried about judging me, or someone I'm worried about breaking. Though I want to be worthy in other ways- I want to be worthy of people that are clever, intelligence and work ethic are paramount. Everyone I've ever adored works hard and is enthusiastic about being intelligent. If I don't find them attractive the first time I meet them, I always find them attractive once I am head over heels in. The people I like are honest and kind, usually kind in bizarre ways that aren't necessarily kindest. Explosive people, that are quick to anger about anything that riles them. Specific people, who have a set way of doing things and a set way of being. I think this is because my parents are quickly angered, and because I adore extremity- if something is worth doing it's worth doing to the utmost lengths. This is what makes it good. I want injured people, people with a practised and unsuccessful veneer. There's something awfully endearing about vulnerability. I suppose, deep down I am vulnerable and I want someone that I can be ridiculous with. Hard cover, soft inside. Or perhaps I have a saviour complex- I want to be the one to cure them, or to alleviate, to salve the wounds. I am too intense, as Judi Dench says in Notes on a Scandal. I need more than a friend.