... is sad tonight

This is what your facebook status read.

I could have been sad tonight, but I went out with some friends to somewhere I'd usually have found utterly awful, but it was actually alright. I just got into it, I experienced it as they might have (like the sikh wedding) and kissed someone with soft lips, and listened to the most amazing unexpected beatboxer.

You won't ever have that experience, because you hate going out to those places and drinking VK cherry drinks, and dancing. I usually hate going to those places and drinking those drinks, but how can you hate dancing? Like Lady of the House said, everyone loves moving. I wonder what you'd do if she tried to move you? I suppose you're worried about the negative attention. It's really not noticeable. I wear polo neck jumpers and look very different to the majority of people, but still they accept me and want to touch me... I suppose I'm just a slab of flesh, commoditised- I am a woman, any association with me is valuable and worthwhile, because I show you to be a macho man. Of course, that's not how it always is. But I can promise you that you'd be viewed the same. You'd not be shunned.

Though you have been. I think you are shunned because you're visibly against the crowd- with your fleeces and scraped hair- and maybe this is what I like about you. That you're completely honest and not willing to bend at all, I can feel safe with whatever opinion you give me because I will know it to be the honest truth. You don't want to subject yourself to their judgement. Though you are too wary of being judged- who cares? If you really didn't care, you'd go.

You're back in the Scottish town now. I wonder why you are sad tonight. I would ask, only it feels too strange for us two, just recently reacquainted.

Do you remember that time when we were about fourteen, at your house when you'd just said something inexcrably sad about your past, and I hugged you? I remember. You used to be the person I missed (and, with only a few words and meetings, still are). That time you pushed me away after a minute or so. Why? Were you frightened of your Nan seeing? Do you really just feel that I'm not for you? Are you so ashamed of your body? Are you unused to physical contact?

The last two are my reasons for rejecting hugs. Hugs. It's such a terrible word, isn't it? Cheap, used on cards with badly drawn teddy bears and fluffy borders with pastel colours. Not your word, not mine. Closeness, that's preferable. Our closeness...

I could believe I'm not for you. I could believe any of those responses, but most of all that one, and I'm sat here analysing after half a decade has passed. I wasn't even aware of what I felt for you then, but looking back I can see that I felt this all along, that I would have been more than happy to do anything with you, to go anywhere. We fell out, and neither of us can remember why. Or do you remember? I don't. I wish I could. I think you called me a slut one day, but that was long after. I do seek solace in the arms of strangers... I'm just a Blanche Dubois, but nowhere near as bad as you were thinking.

Were you just jealous? Hen said you'd told her once, after you knew she slept with that man, you were. 'Just jealous'. You'd given a series of other reasons- sexual connection has to be on a basis of months, of knowing the other person, of whatever else... I don't agree. Sex doesn't have to be emotional, though it would be with you. But I think 'just jealous'- Hen says you said it with a shrug and a little laugh- says the most. Because you haven't, not even a kiss, as far as I know.

If I'm wrong, I'd love to know. I still think you adore her, girl that's always in contact. I wish, for your sake, she'd stop loving her partner and take up with you instead dear. I'd rather it was me, but if it can't be, I want you to be as happy as is humanly possible. I bet she doesn't do drugs or go out clubbing or kiss strange men, or come to your house and be overly loud. I wonder if she looks at you when you drink tea, and thinks your habit of going home for tea at six is quaint, or wants to touch your cheekbone.

I have had a sad day, and tonight I forgot it all. There's the fact of wasting two years, at least, and the fact of too many calories and I'll never be slim enough. Maybe I am too slim for you? Would you like me if I put on weight? Would I do it? I'd not. I hate putting on weight. I went for tea with a friend and forgot it then, and then I went out and forgot again. Oh, a half rhyme. But why are you sad? As if I could heal your sadness and heal mine too. I think that the most likely answer is that you have lost computer information. Hen told me that you cried when you lost your laptop- though you had it all backed up on hard drive. Losing work hits you hard. Especially when you're such a good worker.

I suppose I just want you to know that someone thinks, even if I am on and off with who I like, that you're the most beautiful thing in the world.

That's all.