Conversations with my brother

make me feel terrible. He's arrogant and cool- and lies, a lot of the time, and is ashamed of me, and I am so jealous of him.

I'm jealous that he's going to make the right decisions with Universities and life. I'm jealous that he's getting the chance to learn how to DJ, I'm jealous that he has a wide circle of friends at home that all like doing the stuff he likes (though they don't seem to have a lot of fun when I'm about), I'm jealous of his cocky arrogance. I'm trying to work out why it is that he just assumes everyone likes him. They do, but I can't work out of that's because he assumes it's so or because he's innately likeable. Which stems from which?

Our cousin is a case in point- she's his age, and I always think she's looking down on me. She's very pretty, and very popular. He is popular, and (apparently) good looking. He never has problems with her, and they get on fine.

The problem is that I am a jealous person. I need not to be. I need to kick myself out of it and turn it into competitiveness instead, into believing that I can compete. I just feel like everyone is so much cooler and sussed out and better, generally, at being than I am.

I have worked it out. Since I was a child, my Mum's always made it evident that people were observing and judging us (this usually revolved around my clothes- she didn't like me going out looking neglected, because it reflected badly on the family). Similarly, Dad has always pushed me and asks constantly how I am doing compared to my peer group. Therefore, I grow up with the notion that I am constantly observed (and to my detriment). It's strange that I'm not obsessed with clothes- I worry about weight, but I've also got a spotty, pale complexion and I scrat about in the daggiest old things, but this doesn't fuss me half as much as weight or my general coming across does. Mum used to worry that I was lonely a lot, that I read too much, which I suppose I probably picked up on, so I conceive of myself as a bit of a social oddity. What's worse is that there's no discussing it, or no consequence. My cousins have ignored me for a fair bit- we used to play together, then we all went to school and they realised I was a loser, and since it's been shaky (recently, one said I'd 'been a loser, wow, not anymore'). But Mum and Dad never said that it was OK to not want to be friends with them- I still had to make the effort, even if they weren't. And if I didn't make the effort, I was the one that was bitter and twisted. Anyway, I don't think Mum worries as much about the observation with my brother (there's always the excuse of him being a boy, so clothes don't matter, actions don't matter and he could always handle himself. He's always been the sort of effervescent person that bounces back up no matter how hard you slap him). And he had me to socialise with (to learn how not to be with people) so he's OK. And I am... languishing, and odd. And infinitely closed, secretive, mendacious and bitter. I am wishing that I was more decisive and successful.

I want him to stop making little wisecracks at me. I really don't need them. I don't wisecrack at him.

I want the world to stop making little wisecracks at me. Ha, no, you can't have this, you didn't do that, you're not enough of this and too much of that.

I am going to get thinner and cut out squash. At 42 calories for a pint, it's really not worth thinking about. I can't make any decisions except dietary ones at the moment.

I did my customary walk today and ate around 1300, or was it 1250. Which is good, though I only had two portions of fruit and veg. I think I've ingested around 1000 calories that I've kept overall. I'd had an alright day up until he chatted to me, and now I just feel washed out.