Tonight, I went out and had drinks and ate:

a chocolate -50

A few potato triangle crisps.-50

porridge and raisins-300

400

some crisps-150
a biscuit -40
a piece of bounty-40
a cookie-100
330
pizza and salad-360
a rocky bar-120
480
nuts and raisins- 100
apple and peanut butter-150
250

730 and 730= 1460. This isn't too horrific. I also rejected food before bed and didn't go on a massive eating binge. I could have done without the rocky bar, and the nuts and raisins, which would have brought the total to 1240. I will bear this in mind when I next eat.

I did feel like I ate all day long, so the lesson from this is, make some soup. It's not bad, considering I felt like I'd failed part way through, like I couldn't claw it back. I ate three portions of fruit and veg, so the lessons to be learnt here are:

1. Go for your walk. You know you always feel ten times better after.
2. Eat more fruit and veg, you know you prefer it.
3. When you think you've been eating all day long, you actually do OK.

I wonder if you were an alcoholic, or if you've just seen what alcohol can do, or if you just have always been a teetotaller? I wonder if you're an ex addict, an ex druggie, an ex whatever. You said sentencing for class C seemed harsh, so do you? Would you?

You don't do anything unless it's full throttle (you wouldn't like that choice of words at all), so I can believe that you'd be the world's biggest alcoholic or abstainer. It doesn't go both ways.

She's coming. Unexpectedly kind, she is on her way back for a weekend. There are lots of good things going on next weekend, but I have agreed to London and so I must go. Now, you, unexpectedly kind, have similar alcohol attitudes. Hen said you were feeling dependent on it, which surprises me. What sort of alcohol? I can't imagine you drinking alcopops or lager. Wine? White wine. Red wine. Port, like me? No, you wouldn't drink port. Gin or vodka at a push, I think. Did you drink alone? You hate clubs, you like pubs but you don't feel the need to fit in and drink. Maybe you do deep down, from what Hen said. It's obvious in the way you hold yourself that it's not deep down at all, it's close to the surface and working its way out, superficial surfacings.

And I'm betting you've got somewhere, just like me, where you tot it all up and I'm certain you'd want to be the best at it, just like I do. I bet you do the same things as me; try on jeans too tight, because the current size is shameful, measure waists and bend away from mirrors in the morning or when you dry your hair, because your waist is crinkling and it didn't used to. I think you'd be 'better' at it than I am. More adept. You're so on your own, that it would be easy. You like having control over things, you're very single-minded, you're a perfectionist. I want to see you because having you around is a comfort, and yet I feel so excited that I just want to skip constantly, till you tap me with an uncertain hand (not sure, how will she take it, how?) and I feel slower again.

I am fairly sure you like women, but I am not sure it's me you like. Certain it isn't, in fact. I'm more for Lady of the House at the moment, but I can't help thinking of you too, winging your way from the highlands to us here.