It's amazing how happy simple things make me, well, how happy simple things make most people only they don't do them. I went to the House today and met some Hari Krishnas and spent time in the sun and time fixing bikes and it's been fine, it's good.
Here's what I've eaten:
lentil soup and a slice of bread and butter and a 1/4 of an orange-300
roast dinner- potatoes chicken broccoli some swede and a yorkshire pudding-600
apple crumble-300
hot chocolate-40
ice cream (2tsps)-50
I have done lots of exercise and been moving about so I feel kind of OK about it, though I don't feel light and airy like I have over the past few days which I don't like.
I've just come back to this after a bit and now I feel better. I felt like I wanted to eat forever but now not so much, so that's OK.
Tomorrow I am auditioning for another thing and it'll be fun, if nervewracking. I'm going to enjoy it, and then I'm going to the House. They wanted me to act but I didn't want to. I might have if they'd let me pick but I hate not having control.
It strikes me that I feel better and freer there maybe because they don't treat me...
My Dad got angry tonight because me and my brother were niggling at each other- he teases me because I haven't got a job and I teased him for the first time back, and Dad shouted at both of us. He never shouts when it's just my brother teasing me. As soon as I start to stand up for myself it's a problem, but if he's the problem then it's all fine. My brother is turning into an arse.
Anyway, it feels a bit fairer there. I don't have say in some things. But then I have got a say as far as I think I should be allowed one. Here I've got no say in what happens.
Saturday, 20 September 2008
Thursday, 18 September 2008
1200 today, brilliant.
I also went to a dance class and trotted round town a bit. I have a lump in my throat, I feel it now, and when I swallow and I don't love anyone anymore with that passion that meant I had to cling something to me. I wonder if it's cancer. It's easy to make me think I've got cancer. Touch wood it's not, but it never is- I worry about swollen anything and everything. Not loving is probably due to a full life and conclusion or something as such.
The throat lump, is due to not launching myself on the world of course.
Anemochore- the dispersal of seeds by wind.
ascidium- shaped like a flask, used for plants in biology
locular- containing chambers or hollows.
funiculate-forming a narrow ridge
Glissade
perdure-to last permanently
Oh I wish I knew something beautiful to fit those words to. Ascidium body, anemochore, the process bringing me to you, Locular, my love, I funiculate my skin with tense fingers, glissade over days in perduring amour.
I can't. It's not right. I need to be around someone I adore to make the words come out right and fire off the page like I want them to.
Anemochore.
It sounds so melancholy.
The throat lump, is due to not launching myself on the world of course.
Anemochore- the dispersal of seeds by wind.
ascidium- shaped like a flask, used for plants in biology
locular- containing chambers or hollows.
funiculate-forming a narrow ridge
Glissade
perdure-to last permanently
Oh I wish I knew something beautiful to fit those words to. Ascidium body, anemochore, the process bringing me to you, Locular, my love, I funiculate my skin with tense fingers, glissade over days in perduring amour.
I can't. It's not right. I need to be around someone I adore to make the words come out right and fire off the page like I want them to.
Anemochore.
It sounds so melancholy.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
He lets a panel of the dream slide out before him- Annie Proulx.
Thats a beautiful bit of brokeback mountain. The image of a dream unravelling out and the way she writes about the caravan, the rattling, and his pissing in the sink, is all earthy. If it was sounds there would be definite filmic clunks and satisfying scrapes and pops to go with it. I adore sounds on film, they're so much better than the half-grasped ones in real life.
I just spoke to a friend whose Mum is dead, and she's a bit off the rails. I don't want to pity her, but sometimes I do want to put my arms round her and tell her not to be lonely- I think she is at the moment, looking for something she can't find. I can't imagine being without my Mum.
Tonight I came back
And Dinner was laid out
The worktops were bare
But I can't do anything useful
If I did it round her I would be aware
Of her watching. Not a criticism, but maybe a knowing
that I was doing it for her benefit. Or she would direct me
Like her puppet, or want me to do it another way, or something else.
So she does it on her own instead.
There's clattering and a series of grunted sighs that announce the travail
A world war in dishcloths and detreitus that
She won't win, or will.
The Hoover's an admonition, cupboard doors repent and scold
Louder than it feels, because these objects
Are her domain and subconscious attention.
Time's wasted and I am wanting in that.
Helping is not enough to rally troops
Nor to staunch the marching flow
Of wash over cup over hoover.
I would like to clear up my life's mess
when it is done for me
I vegitate inanimate useless.
This is how I feel about my Mum and her doing housework.
I just spoke to a friend whose Mum is dead, and she's a bit off the rails. I don't want to pity her, but sometimes I do want to put my arms round her and tell her not to be lonely- I think she is at the moment, looking for something she can't find. I can't imagine being without my Mum.
Tonight I came back
And Dinner was laid out
The worktops were bare
But I can't do anything useful
If I did it round her I would be aware
Of her watching. Not a criticism, but maybe a knowing
that I was doing it for her benefit. Or she would direct me
Like her puppet, or want me to do it another way, or something else.
So she does it on her own instead.
There's clattering and a series of grunted sighs that announce the travail
A world war in dishcloths and detreitus that
She won't win, or will.
The Hoover's an admonition, cupboard doors repent and scold
Louder than it feels, because these objects
Are her domain and subconscious attention.
Time's wasted and I am wanting in that.
Helping is not enough to rally troops
Nor to staunch the marching flow
Of wash over cup over hoover.
I would like to clear up my life's mess
when it is done for me
I vegitate inanimate useless.
This is how I feel about my Mum and her doing housework.
Communist daughter standing on the seaweed water.
I wish I could write proper poetry. I am inspired but it just can't get out lucid. I can write silly flip little things but I want to write something worthwhile.
Anemochore- the dispersal of seeds by wind.
ascidium- shaped like a flask, used for plants in biology
locular- containing chambers or hollows.
funiculate-forming a narrow ridge
Glissade
perdure-to last permanently
Anemochore- the dispersal of seeds by wind.
ascidium- shaped like a flask, used for plants in biology
locular- containing chambers or hollows.
funiculate-forming a narrow ridge
Glissade
perdure-to last permanently
Criticism and calories again.
Eating today
a macadamia nut and a cranberry-20
Tea (gave me hiccups so I only drank a little bit)
A pastrami mozarella rocket and onion relish sandwich, but I pulled off one of the slices of bread and also most of the pastrami. From the Camden food Company.-400
An apple-40
A biscuit-60
tea-10
Pasta with vegetables and bolognaise. I had a plate of this, half filled with vegetables, and I felt ill after, which is good because it means my stomach's shrinking but bad because I probably stretched it again.-500
ice cream-100
so all in all probably about 1200, and I feel very full, so I'm happy. I shouldn't be. I should be happy to eat about 1500, that's OK. But I can't, I just can't be happy with that. It will come back and bite me on my slowed metabolic rate arse, I know it, I'm so stupid.
I got offered an internship at a prestigious fashion company. I didn't think they'd want me but they do. Now I just have to suss out if I want it badly enough to say goodbye to cash I could earn in 2 months, which could mean goodbye to theatre school and goodbye to other things.
She of the Bovine is having problems with her teenage alcoholic mother. She thinks she's a robot but I think she's human, more so than her mum who is acting in the worst way. I can't imagine having a parent like that. Mine are so reasonable. She of the bovine is so bright, clever and sorted- I don't trust her and she's got her issues, but she is brilliant in general. And I trust her enough to let her know most things, I just don't trust that what she says is always true about how she feels, but then again if I had a mother like hers I'd be closing feelings in on all sides too. I think her and Bombazine had a thing going; they might still, for all I know. I want to whisk her away from everything, but I can't solve everyone's problems, and I worry that she picks fights with people she lives with because it's the only way she knows, and we never fight, I like our friendship the way it is. I don't know. I'm worried she could be a sociopath but I still think she's cool. I kind of wish I was a sociopath. There isn't much about her that I wouldn't want to be. She's innately good at things, talented and pretty. I always want to be parts of someone else. She says she comfort eats, but I think we're about the same size. I can't settle on myself. I can't want to be me when other people have so many other things that they are that I want to be.
And then there's Houselady. She's fine as far as I know. I wish I knew what she properly thought of me. She's been an interesting exercise for me in criticism taking- I know that we can fall out over opinions but still laugh together, so I think it's OK. She won't hate me for disagreeing or ram the point, as far as I know. It's too early to judge properly. I can be very good at taking criticism, or very bad. It depends.
a macadamia nut and a cranberry-20
Tea (gave me hiccups so I only drank a little bit)
A pastrami mozarella rocket and onion relish sandwich, but I pulled off one of the slices of bread and also most of the pastrami. From the Camden food Company.-400
An apple-40
A biscuit-60
tea-10
Pasta with vegetables and bolognaise. I had a plate of this, half filled with vegetables, and I felt ill after, which is good because it means my stomach's shrinking but bad because I probably stretched it again.-500
ice cream-100
so all in all probably about 1200, and I feel very full, so I'm happy. I shouldn't be. I should be happy to eat about 1500, that's OK. But I can't, I just can't be happy with that. It will come back and bite me on my slowed metabolic rate arse, I know it, I'm so stupid.
I got offered an internship at a prestigious fashion company. I didn't think they'd want me but they do. Now I just have to suss out if I want it badly enough to say goodbye to cash I could earn in 2 months, which could mean goodbye to theatre school and goodbye to other things.
She of the Bovine is having problems with her teenage alcoholic mother. She thinks she's a robot but I think she's human, more so than her mum who is acting in the worst way. I can't imagine having a parent like that. Mine are so reasonable. She of the bovine is so bright, clever and sorted- I don't trust her and she's got her issues, but she is brilliant in general. And I trust her enough to let her know most things, I just don't trust that what she says is always true about how she feels, but then again if I had a mother like hers I'd be closing feelings in on all sides too. I think her and Bombazine had a thing going; they might still, for all I know. I want to whisk her away from everything, but I can't solve everyone's problems, and I worry that she picks fights with people she lives with because it's the only way she knows, and we never fight, I like our friendship the way it is. I don't know. I'm worried she could be a sociopath but I still think she's cool. I kind of wish I was a sociopath. There isn't much about her that I wouldn't want to be. She's innately good at things, talented and pretty. I always want to be parts of someone else. She says she comfort eats, but I think we're about the same size. I can't settle on myself. I can't want to be me when other people have so many other things that they are that I want to be.
And then there's Houselady. She's fine as far as I know. I wish I knew what she properly thought of me. She's been an interesting exercise for me in criticism taking- I know that we can fall out over opinions but still laugh together, so I think it's OK. She won't hate me for disagreeing or ram the point, as far as I know. It's too early to judge properly. I can be very good at taking criticism, or very bad. It depends.
Monday, 15 September 2008
Siblings
My younger brother and sister and me spent much of tonight giving each other piggy back rides, which was fun. They both sit heavily (I suppose that it would seem that way because of my not eating much today) but my eleven-year old sister can carry me. I couldn't believe it. She said I was a lot lighter than my 15 year old brother, who must weigh about 12 or 13 st. I reason that my sister and I are about 1-2st apart in weight, and I can't believe she can carry me and my brother- she's ridiculously strong.
Hmmm. I do want to be thinner, but I don't want to be thinner this way. It's interesting.
Hmmm. I do want to be thinner, but I don't want to be thinner this way. It's interesting.
Eating, sport and everything else.
Here is what happened today:
I saw an old friend and had a lovely time over coffee, though I feel I might have spoken too much and she too little, but we are doing it again so she can't hate me.
The House lady emailed me, I don't think she likes the poster, but I know that she does still like me.
I went to play netball for the first time in seven years, and it was OK. The last time I played was at school, and I wasn't even good enough for the worst team. I was useless at the rules of it but they said that they could use my height and lengthy arm span, and they want me to sign up properly, so I can't be that bad. It was good to have time when people were telling me I was wrong but I didn't take it personally because it felt fair, and they weren't being nasty. I liked the criticism bit because it's good practice for getting things wrong, and it's a good skill to learn, how to take going wrong well. Also, I need to get more exercise and it was truly exhausting- but I managed to keep going to the end. I didn't feel like it was exercise though, just like it was fun.
I rode my bike into town.
I have ate:
An ice cream-244
An apple-40
A cup of coffee-100
A smoothie-150
A cup of tea.-30
So this is a tally of... 560. This is akin to what I used to eat when I was silly, but it's been unintentional- I genuinely haven't been hungry, and I have been intending to eat. I can feel stomach rumblings now but I also feel a bit sick and I just don't fancy eating. I told my Mum and she said just listen to your body, but I do worry. I'm not worried about the amount I've consumed- I know it's small but it's not catastrophic, I'm worried about how I feel about it. I'm worried that tomorrow I'll either eat about 2000 or I won't feel like eating again, and then I'll be on the thin cycle, but if I go strange again I'll be fat later on in life, it doesn't pay to get like this.
I should just chill out. I wasn't deliberately starving myself, it just so happens that I didn't want food, and tomorrow is another day. I'm just worried because I feel proud of my inadvertent calorie deficit and that I'm enjoying the emptiness a bit too much. I like feeling a bit lightheaded and relieved- I feel far better than when I'm just eating and eating for no reason and I feel like I'm wading through myself. But I also don't want to get back onto that cycle. I just want to live normally.
I saw an old friend and had a lovely time over coffee, though I feel I might have spoken too much and she too little, but we are doing it again so she can't hate me.
The House lady emailed me, I don't think she likes the poster, but I know that she does still like me.
I went to play netball for the first time in seven years, and it was OK. The last time I played was at school, and I wasn't even good enough for the worst team. I was useless at the rules of it but they said that they could use my height and lengthy arm span, and they want me to sign up properly, so I can't be that bad. It was good to have time when people were telling me I was wrong but I didn't take it personally because it felt fair, and they weren't being nasty. I liked the criticism bit because it's good practice for getting things wrong, and it's a good skill to learn, how to take going wrong well. Also, I need to get more exercise and it was truly exhausting- but I managed to keep going to the end. I didn't feel like it was exercise though, just like it was fun.
I rode my bike into town.
I have ate:
An ice cream-244
An apple-40
A cup of coffee-100
A smoothie-150
A cup of tea.-30
So this is a tally of... 560. This is akin to what I used to eat when I was silly, but it's been unintentional- I genuinely haven't been hungry, and I have been intending to eat. I can feel stomach rumblings now but I also feel a bit sick and I just don't fancy eating. I told my Mum and she said just listen to your body, but I do worry. I'm not worried about the amount I've consumed- I know it's small but it's not catastrophic, I'm worried about how I feel about it. I'm worried that tomorrow I'll either eat about 2000 or I won't feel like eating again, and then I'll be on the thin cycle, but if I go strange again I'll be fat later on in life, it doesn't pay to get like this.
I should just chill out. I wasn't deliberately starving myself, it just so happens that I didn't want food, and tomorrow is another day. I'm just worried because I feel proud of my inadvertent calorie deficit and that I'm enjoying the emptiness a bit too much. I like feeling a bit lightheaded and relieved- I feel far better than when I'm just eating and eating for no reason and I feel like I'm wading through myself. But I also don't want to get back onto that cycle. I just want to live normally.
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