Criticism and calories again.

Eating today
a macadamia nut and a cranberry-20
Tea (gave me hiccups so I only drank a little bit)
A pastrami mozarella rocket and onion relish sandwich, but I pulled off one of the slices of bread and also most of the pastrami. From the Camden food Company.-400
An apple-40
A biscuit-60
tea-10
Pasta with vegetables and bolognaise. I had a plate of this, half filled with vegetables, and I felt ill after, which is good because it means my stomach's shrinking but bad because I probably stretched it again.-500
ice cream-100

so all in all probably about 1200, and I feel very full, so I'm happy. I shouldn't be. I should be happy to eat about 1500, that's OK. But I can't, I just can't be happy with that. It will come back and bite me on my slowed metabolic rate arse, I know it, I'm so stupid.

I got offered an internship at a prestigious fashion company. I didn't think they'd want me but they do. Now I just have to suss out if I want it badly enough to say goodbye to cash I could earn in 2 months, which could mean goodbye to theatre school and goodbye to other things.

She of the Bovine is having problems with her teenage alcoholic mother. She thinks she's a robot but I think she's human, more so than her mum who is acting in the worst way. I can't imagine having a parent like that. Mine are so reasonable. She of the bovine is so bright, clever and sorted- I don't trust her and she's got her issues, but she is brilliant in general. And I trust her enough to let her know most things, I just don't trust that what she says is always true about how she feels, but then again if I had a mother like hers I'd be closing feelings in on all sides too. I think her and Bombazine had a thing going; they might still, for all I know. I want to whisk her away from everything, but I can't solve everyone's problems, and I worry that she picks fights with people she lives with because it's the only way she knows, and we never fight, I like our friendship the way it is. I don't know. I'm worried she could be a sociopath but I still think she's cool. I kind of wish I was a sociopath. There isn't much about her that I wouldn't want to be. She's innately good at things, talented and pretty. I always want to be parts of someone else. She says she comfort eats, but I think we're about the same size. I can't settle on myself. I can't want to be me when other people have so many other things that they are that I want to be.

And then there's Houselady. She's fine as far as I know. I wish I knew what she properly thought of me. She's been an interesting exercise for me in criticism taking- I know that we can fall out over opinions but still laugh together, so I think it's OK. She won't hate me for disagreeing or ram the point, as far as I know. It's too early to judge properly. I can be very good at taking criticism, or very bad. It depends.