Here's what I think to you though I bet you never think to me.

And wouldn't if you were here now, when I'm whining over petty things and being so stupid. I need someone to tell me I'm not dismal in every respect. Not that people are telling me that- it seems to be an inevitable conclusion I've reached about my life. I don't care anymore, it's just all bringing me down, Mum is, treating me with cotton wool, I just want everything to be better, people are, my brother, doing so incredibly well, he'll eclipse me in no time and I'm just a grey lump.

Just a grey lump seeping useless tears. Useless useless useless to everyone and everything and who on earth would care?

I saw some pictures of you. I'll maybe next see you in October. I think you're brilliant. In an ideal world, you would look at me and say nothing and just hug me and say I think you're lovely whatever. Which is what Mum says, but I don't want her hugs, and if she thinks I'm lovely whatever then why does she want me to DO and not wait for something better? She wants me to be happy. I think deep down she wants some sort of return or something to say to her friends. That isn't fair and it's not true, she wants me to be happy. Why do I care so much what she wants? Maybe when I think of you I am just thinking of the things I want people to say to me. I want someone to love me no matter what I am and noone does. I want someone to want me forever, or to think they do, and to not care if I'm fat or thin or wearing makeup or anything, and be pleased to introduce me to their friends anyway. I want someone to think I'm cool and clever in a different way. I want someone that thinks my body is lovely. Ideally they'd think it was thin but that's becoming a dwindling possibility.

I think of you all those ways. Blonde hair and shouting mouth and crooked teeth, and the way you laughed and showed Bee your armpit that time, and how you're so kind. And you say something all the time about how I look cool even when I think I look so far from it. Its like you know what I want, but I know that you're just generally kind and this is all fantasy on my part. Warm to everyone.