Eating, sport and everything else.

Here is what happened today:

I saw an old friend and had a lovely time over coffee, though I feel I might have spoken too much and she too little, but we are doing it again so she can't hate me.

The House lady emailed me, I don't think she likes the poster, but I know that she does still like me.

I went to play netball for the first time in seven years, and it was OK. The last time I played was at school, and I wasn't even good enough for the worst team. I was useless at the rules of it but they said that they could use my height and lengthy arm span, and they want me to sign up properly, so I can't be that bad. It was good to have time when people were telling me I was wrong but I didn't take it personally because it felt fair, and they weren't being nasty. I liked the criticism bit because it's good practice for getting things wrong, and it's a good skill to learn, how to take going wrong well. Also, I need to get more exercise and it was truly exhausting- but I managed to keep going to the end. I didn't feel like it was exercise though, just like it was fun.

I rode my bike into town.

I have ate:

An ice cream-244
An apple-40
A cup of coffee-100
A smoothie-150
A cup of tea.-30

So this is a tally of... 560. This is akin to what I used to eat when I was silly, but it's been unintentional- I genuinely haven't been hungry, and I have been intending to eat. I can feel stomach rumblings now but I also feel a bit sick and I just don't fancy eating. I told my Mum and she said just listen to your body, but I do worry. I'm not worried about the amount I've consumed- I know it's small but it's not catastrophic, I'm worried about how I feel about it. I'm worried that tomorrow I'll either eat about 2000 or I won't feel like eating again, and then I'll be on the thin cycle, but if I go strange again I'll be fat later on in life, it doesn't pay to get like this.

I should just chill out. I wasn't deliberately starving myself, it just so happens that I didn't want food, and tomorrow is another day. I'm just worried because I feel proud of my inadvertent calorie deficit and that I'm enjoying the emptiness a bit too much. I like feeling a bit lightheaded and relieved- I feel far better than when I'm just eating and eating for no reason and I feel like I'm wading through myself. But I also don't want to get back onto that cycle. I just want to live normally.