1400 today, and no exercise to negate it.

Here's a little oddity of my own mental state.

I went to a dance class for adults for the first time last night. Three classes, in fact, two of which were really good. Contemporary and Jazz dance. There's nothing especially incredible about that, but what is bizarre is my own attitude to my fellow participants.

There were three teenagers, two of whom were less than svelte, who kept giggling at the back, to hide their ineptitude. I felt annoyed about them laughing, but then I realised it was out of sheer awkwardness. Or maybe because I looked autistic; I wore a leotard under tracksuit bottoms, and kept practising at the side when everyone else was talking. I've danced before, so I had some idea of technique, even though I've always been terrible at memorising steps and routines. Most people in the class haven't danced before. That was OK, though I wished they'd be more graceful, though I've lost a lot of agility so I was no Navratilova myself. There was an aerobics instructor, who seemed nice, but I thought she should have been more graceful and memorised the steps better, considering her job, and a woman that was either fat or pregnant. From the small, abstaining, protesting sips she took of her water, I could deduce that she wanted to be anorexic but simply wasn't. She was trying to be elegant- she wore a dress and leggings- but failed. I'm horrible for being so petty and criticising everyone, but this is what I thought. I suppose I simply am a cow.

I was judgemental to both of these groups of people, but the people I was most scathing of were the two largest girls in the classes. One wore the saddest pair of tracksuit bottoms I've ever seen. She had a large stomach and small legs, a lightbulb shape, so the thin grainy fabric accentuated her pant line and the faded gray-green of the things slipped down or rode up to show her considerable girth.She also wore a pair of blue glasses, I couldn't fathom why. They didn't add to the style statement. The other girl was of the large and jolly type- she laughed a lot during the breaks, and when I looked over I noticed that she wouldn't be doing the steps, or she'd run off halfway through a routine across the room. People that give up irk me. It occurred to me that she might be one of those that say, "I eat nothing and do loads of exercise" but she doesn't put her whole self into it, and so doesn't lose any weight. Blue glasses practised routines at the side with me, both in our own world, but was fairly graceless and forgetful when we did them across the room. These thoughts shock me, because I think of myself as accepting of larger people, but then I caught myself wondering why they were there, judging them. How are they ever going to improve if they don't go to a class? And they have no less right than me to be there, so who am I to say anything?

If I think of how I looked to the class- terrible skin, no makeup, the only one in a leotard (albeit half covered in trackies) they must have thought that I was getting ideas way above my station, even that I was too chunky to be a dancer or similar thoughts to the ones I've had about those women, though I was probably one of the slimmest there. I came across as either standoffish, obsessive, shy or all three. I'm aware of that. I don't care how they judge me, but I care a lot about how I judge others. It's not my place to pronounce verdicts on two women I don't know. It's not about being mean, it's about being arrogant. I didn't think that I was this bitchy. None of my friends are as large as those women are, and none of them have the same temperament- Little Bird might be a bit larger but she's still a brilliant runner- but if I thought someone was judging Little Bird, or she of the Bovine, it would make me furious.

Hmm.