Does your mother know?

All mine's trying to do is be kind and make me happy. So why is it that every time she talks to me about my career I burst into tears and just end up shouting?

Then I say sorry because she only wants to help, she only wants to be good, and it's good advice she's giving, but it makes me despondent. And why? Because people are in far worse situations than I am and it's so incredibly self indulgent of me to do that.

Here is what I feel:

Frustrated that she's suggesting these things to me when she's no career magnate.
Frustrated that she's possibly right.
That I have failed because someone else has intervened
She wants me to do things that I think will come up with dead ends- agencies and careers advisors. They might be a good idea, but I feel like it's patronising- agencies won't get me a job as a runner or something that goes somewhere interesting. Agencies are for people who are failing to get jobs elsewhere.
And that's me.
And that makes me so angry. I've tried for years and this is my reward.
The way she thinks I should be more realistic. She's told me to aim high all my life and now she wants me to crawl along the floor with everyone else instead of aiming higher. Fuck real. Who wants to live in dreary drudge? I AM realistic, I want what I want and I don't want some shit.
I feel like a loser and when she talks to me and makes me think I'm depressed and failing it compounds that feeling and makes me want to just never leave, and now I feel weak and useless because I cried and because I talked about it and it's making me cry again now, and I just hate her for doing it to me, and I hate myself for feeling like that, it's such a horrible petty way to feel, and I read the above and I can see I look like a grandiose bitch. Well maybe I am. Maybe grandiose is the way to go.

She thinks that because I don't talk about it I'm not doing it. I am doing it, I'm doing it to death but I don't want to talk about failing and the past, I want to move on and up and away from this shitty fucking cunt crap shit time. I want more from life and you don't get more by dwelling on less.