Drifting

Mum had a talk to me today about how I am drifting, not getting a job, that is. Well, it's disheartening. What's more disheartening is that someone's noticed you're failing at life miserably. Waking up late going to bed late is one of Mum's main grievances. Oh she must have had so much planned for me and now I feel like I've let them all down and why on earth bother, I'll never get anywhere anyway. She said I should not go to drama school because they can't support me financially- well, I want to support myself financially, I didn't care about them and this is exactly why I didn't tell them about auditioning, I didn't want them to worry and now they're being utterly stupid and refusing aid they can't give and worrying about what I want and don't want. I couldn't care less whether they help or not I'll do it anyway.

She wants me to go to a careers advisor, sign up to some agencies and go on the dole. I don't want any of that crap. This is my reaction because she suggests it. She might be right, but I can't stand another shitty careers advisor going on about this and that. I know what I want to do. Nowhere wants me to do it is all.

Noone cares about me in a professional sense, and why should they, there's noone making them. Girls like me are owed nothing and are ten a penny. I'm not particularly anything enough to make anyone give me a job. I've got to stop being so goddamn self pitiful and get up off my fat arse and do something instead of sitting about. I need to go out and put myself out for yet more rejection. Brilliant.

I have only been successful in getting a list of people who want me to aupair. Mum was all up for this. Now she says she doesn't want me to do it, it's not what I want to do, blah blah blah. One minute I'm not realistic enough, then when I think of a way that I can earn money at the same time as seeing the world I'm not aiming high enough, I'm still not realistic, I'm holding out for drama school which is a silly dream.

Screw what everyone else wants.

It's only that I want the same thing. I don't want a lot. I want to be left alone. I want a job where someone wants me, that I don't hate going to every morning.

After a degree and four work experience placements, I'd have thought that wouldn't be out of my reach.

Apparently,I am simply shit.

It's worse because my University friends haven't been in contact for a bit.

I could make the effort.

I did. They don't care.

I feel like noone does.

Why on earth bother. I want to stick my head under a duvet and never come out until the world's better.

I'm not that crap so I won't.

I try hard to be nice and to do the right thing. I've shared a room with my sister for years and made my parents feel OK about it, I've not overspent my university allowance, I try to be a good friend and it's just not working out. Whine whine whine. It's probably because I'm such a complete and utter pussy. This is piteous and I do deserve what's happened to me- I need to fight back and stop being such a whingy cunt.