OK. Boring, boring- I'm under 1200 today, so that's good.
My family is annoying me a little, but not for a reason, just because they're usually late, and they nag, but only about things I do wrong anyway, like driving. So really I'm just annoyed because I'm a brat.
I adore him more.
I saw him today, and he talks to me but I don't think he finds me as interesting as other people. It would usually be that I'm not pretty that would get me, but today I wasn't the ugliest, just the stupidest. No, I'm just... less amusing? I don't know, it's something about presence and integrity and wanting far too badly to please. Now I seem to just insult him because that's our language (we both agreed today that we find compliments discomforting).
Today he talked about constantly being perceived as gay. It's because he's clean and well-dressed and camp. I listed these for him; I didn't tell him that I want to bury my face in his clean clothes, and to get so close to him I can smell even better, and that every time he flourishes a hand I'm desperate to slip mine into it. We're friends, and friends don't say things like that. I say all of the tiny niggling bits and leave out the huge parts that are forcing those bits to the surface. I can't help being a complete drip about it.
I joined an acting society that does loads of improvisation games, it was excellent. I can make people laugh.
So here are three bad things about today
1. I didn't do any work
2. I didn't make any headway with him
3. I insulted my parents and they were late for me.
But here are the good things
1. My parents love me a lot.
2. I ate under 1200.
3. I made people properly laugh.
Sunday, 28 October 2007
Thursday, 25 October 2007
Love of mine
I like your hair and your round face. I like your flushed skin, and your long lean brown hands. I like the hair that starts a little after your wrist. I like your facial hair, and I never thought I would. The first time I saw you I was incredibly impressed, and I am now still but in a different way because I can touch you now.
They say couples look alike; they're your mirror. We look nothing at all alike, but if we were considered similarly, I would have no qualms. You're maybe the first I feel equal to... not above or beneath.
In that play, when you leant forward, I leant back just to see you thinking and frozen in that position. You looked so noble, and I wanted to sink my head to match yours there and then.
They say couples look alike; they're your mirror. We look nothing at all alike, but if we were considered similarly, I would have no qualms. You're maybe the first I feel equal to... not above or beneath.
In that play, when you leant forward, I leant back just to see you thinking and frozen in that position. You looked so noble, and I wanted to sink my head to match yours there and then.
If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the "No" on their vacancy signs; if I am sat beside you when your soul embarks
I will follow you into the dark.
Blah blah blah. I could say so many other things about my life- about the play, new acquaintances that I like, and about the fact I stank today because my deodorant didn't work.
But instead I'm drawn back to calories and you. Penance and reward. So here is the total:
A bacon, brie and cranberry baguette-400
An apple-40
Two tangerines-40
A bowl of oats, seeds and raisins-400
A pint of lager-150
An apple-40
some pine nuts-100
A white wine spritzer-150
Tonight, he invited me to his because he was going to a sort-of party. At first I said yes, then I thought, what if he's just being polite? It was the sort of scenario it could have gone with. Ugh, I think everyone might think I'm strange in a bad way.
Anyway... before, we saw this play with friends. In the second half I sat next to him and our knees touched. Sometimes elbows. The point is that I can never gauge if it's reciprocal, or if not, or if he's really annoying, or anything else- even if he's gay or not, and thus completely uninterested in me. I don't care to repeat that experience.
I kept toying with my hands during the play because I imagined he'd hold them.
I'm terrified that it wouldn't live up to expectations if I did get him. But then, I spend a lot of time picturing us...
I keep testing him by insulting him. If he responds this way, he's like the first man, if not, he isn't.
He is just... marvellous. I could write reams. As noone sees this except myself, I will willingly.
Blah blah blah. I could say so many other things about my life- about the play, new acquaintances that I like, and about the fact I stank today because my deodorant didn't work.
But instead I'm drawn back to calories and you. Penance and reward. So here is the total:
A bacon, brie and cranberry baguette-400
An apple-40
Two tangerines-40
A bowl of oats, seeds and raisins-400
A pint of lager-150
An apple-40
some pine nuts-100
A white wine spritzer-150
Tonight, he invited me to his because he was going to a sort-of party. At first I said yes, then I thought, what if he's just being polite? It was the sort of scenario it could have gone with. Ugh, I think everyone might think I'm strange in a bad way.
Anyway... before, we saw this play with friends. In the second half I sat next to him and our knees touched. Sometimes elbows. The point is that I can never gauge if it's reciprocal, or if not, or if he's really annoying, or anything else- even if he's gay or not, and thus completely uninterested in me. I don't care to repeat that experience.
I kept toying with my hands during the play because I imagined he'd hold them.
I'm terrified that it wouldn't live up to expectations if I did get him. But then, I spend a lot of time picturing us...
I keep testing him by insulting him. If he responds this way, he's like the first man, if not, he isn't.
He is just... marvellous. I could write reams. As noone sees this except myself, I will willingly.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
It's all relative.
I know a girl that tried to take an overdose, and she's the last person I'd have expected to do it. I might feel bad about myself at times- I have "death days", when everything feels like... I'm dead, and I'm kind of revisiting a time that I remember, but I'm not alive for it. I've had those for as long as I can remember.
Anyway, the point is that though I'm weird and odd, I never actually have felt like killing myself. I know a lot of people are supposed to contemplate it, I'm just not one of them. This girl is always ridiculously garrulous, and usually smiling. It sounds horrible to say so, but I honestly didn't think she was clever enough to commit suicide- it's always seen as the way out of the artist, someone who has grasped the world and dropped it immediately because it's so horrifically disgusting or some such metaphorical allegory. I didn't think she was bright enough to get close to even touching the world. Apparently her parents hit her and she's got no real friends- I can almost see why. She's so garrulous that I'd never invite her to any confidences, and it's a nervous sort of energy that she displaces onto everyone that makes you feel uncomfortable. She'll never let a silence be. She's got a speech impediment and she's fat with a hump. She hasn't got a pretty face. I've met her around four times, and she'll trail me just because I look amenable to being trailed at parties and so on. She's jewish, and she lived with some girls that used to put bacon in her food because she didn't get on with them (she's an easy target). All of these examples show how she pushes people away, or how they shit all over her. I know that someone ought to do something- she's already got two therapists- but one of my friends pointed out earlier, you can't be friends with someone just because you pity them- the strain shows sooner than you might think.
This little tale made me feel astounded, and then fortunate. I whine about my weight and sometimes my interpersonal relationships, but really, I've got no huge problems. I'm not lonely. My family love me, and I them. I am incredibly lucky not to be needy. I really think that this is one of my best attributes. It's a shame that it takes a suicidal acquaintance to bring that home to me.
Anyway, the point is that though I'm weird and odd, I never actually have felt like killing myself. I know a lot of people are supposed to contemplate it, I'm just not one of them. This girl is always ridiculously garrulous, and usually smiling. It sounds horrible to say so, but I honestly didn't think she was clever enough to commit suicide- it's always seen as the way out of the artist, someone who has grasped the world and dropped it immediately because it's so horrifically disgusting or some such metaphorical allegory. I didn't think she was bright enough to get close to even touching the world. Apparently her parents hit her and she's got no real friends- I can almost see why. She's so garrulous that I'd never invite her to any confidences, and it's a nervous sort of energy that she displaces onto everyone that makes you feel uncomfortable. She'll never let a silence be. She's got a speech impediment and she's fat with a hump. She hasn't got a pretty face. I've met her around four times, and she'll trail me just because I look amenable to being trailed at parties and so on. She's jewish, and she lived with some girls that used to put bacon in her food because she didn't get on with them (she's an easy target). All of these examples show how she pushes people away, or how they shit all over her. I know that someone ought to do something- she's already got two therapists- but one of my friends pointed out earlier, you can't be friends with someone just because you pity them- the strain shows sooner than you might think.
This little tale made me feel astounded, and then fortunate. I whine about my weight and sometimes my interpersonal relationships, but really, I've got no huge problems. I'm not lonely. My family love me, and I them. I am incredibly lucky not to be needy. I really think that this is one of my best attributes. It's a shame that it takes a suicidal acquaintance to bring that home to me.
Suppositions on impositions.
I wonder why you don't like Jack Johnson, and why you keep encouraging me to smoke. Do you like how I look when I smoke? It's only once a week. Tomorrow's the day.
Did you kept saying, "I should go", because you didn't want to annoy me... or, more likely that you really did want to go. Maybe I disgust you a little.
It just kills me, la petite mort, to think of running a finger down your shoulder. I jumped when you laid your head so close it was almost next to mine, black and red together. We might have looked like children together, you and I, another of our own little jokes.
Or even if you realised that your foot kept tapping mine, or that I edged a bit closer to you on purpose. I might even like it that you breathe heavily when you read, it's just you.
That it wasn't a quizzical look when you threw yourself onto my bed, it was just me, thinking how nice it was.
When you left I huddled into the place that you were.
And I laugh more when you're around.
I like that we're agnostic and sit in churchyards to eat.
It's pathetic that I worry that doing anything about this would sour it because I worry that I've overhyped you to myself. I know that there are things about you that annoy me... but when we are together I seem to tease them away, when we are on our own anyway.
Did you kept saying, "I should go", because you didn't want to annoy me... or, more likely that you really did want to go. Maybe I disgust you a little.
It just kills me, la petite mort, to think of running a finger down your shoulder. I jumped when you laid your head so close it was almost next to mine, black and red together. We might have looked like children together, you and I, another of our own little jokes.
Or even if you realised that your foot kept tapping mine, or that I edged a bit closer to you on purpose. I might even like it that you breathe heavily when you read, it's just you.
That it wasn't a quizzical look when you threw yourself onto my bed, it was just me, thinking how nice it was.
When you left I huddled into the place that you were.
And I laugh more when you're around.
I like that we're agnostic and sit in churchyards to eat.
It's pathetic that I worry that doing anything about this would sour it because I worry that I've overhyped you to myself. I know that there are things about you that annoy me... but when we are together I seem to tease them away, when we are on our own anyway.
Boring, boring calories.
Here is what I have eaten:
A pasta and pesto salad=430
A smoothie=125
An apple=40
A bar of chocolate=210
A subway sandwich=400
A subway cookie=150
fourteen hundred. Shit. I thought I'd done better. This is why I shouldn't count, it just makes me fractious and depressed.
A pasta and pesto salad=430
A smoothie=125
An apple=40
A bar of chocolate=210
A subway sandwich=400
A subway cookie=150
fourteen hundred. Shit. I thought I'd done better. This is why I shouldn't count, it just makes me fractious and depressed.
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
Cigarettes and god's heads.
In ancient Rome and Greece, they thought that Gods ate smoke and incense, or rather survived off them. Animals ate each other in a cannibalistic sort of fashion, and humans came in between; we cook but we're no ethereal beings, we have to eat something. Between gods and beasts, some might say.
Maybe this is why, every time I smoke my weekly cigarette, I feel like a god. It's due tomorrow. It's something of the smoke, of the ether at least. I wonder what it's like to survive on nectar and smoke. Spiralling foods.
A tacky purple lighter and a half crushed packet of cigarettes seem light years away from the hellenic era, though.
Maybe this is why, every time I smoke my weekly cigarette, I feel like a god. It's due tomorrow. It's something of the smoke, of the ether at least. I wonder what it's like to survive on nectar and smoke. Spiralling foods.
A tacky purple lighter and a half crushed packet of cigarettes seem light years away from the hellenic era, though.
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