If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the "No" on their vacancy signs; if I am sat beside you when your soul embarks

I will follow you into the dark.

Blah blah blah. I could say so many other things about my life- about the play, new acquaintances that I like, and about the fact I stank today because my deodorant didn't work.

But instead I'm drawn back to calories and you. Penance and reward. So here is the total:

A bacon, brie and cranberry baguette-400
An apple-40
Two tangerines-40
A bowl of oats, seeds and raisins-400
A pint of lager-150
An apple-40
some pine nuts-100
A white wine spritzer-150

Tonight, he invited me to his because he was going to a sort-of party. At first I said yes, then I thought, what if he's just being polite? It was the sort of scenario it could have gone with. Ugh, I think everyone might think I'm strange in a bad way.

Anyway... before, we saw this play with friends. In the second half I sat next to him and our knees touched. Sometimes elbows. The point is that I can never gauge if it's reciprocal, or if not, or if he's really annoying, or anything else- even if he's gay or not, and thus completely uninterested in me. I don't care to repeat that experience.

I kept toying with my hands during the play because I imagined he'd hold them.

I'm terrified that it wouldn't live up to expectations if I did get him. But then, I spend a lot of time picturing us...

I keep testing him by insulting him. If he responds this way, he's like the first man, if not, he isn't.

He is just... marvellous. I could write reams. As noone sees this except myself, I will willingly.