It's all relative.

I know a girl that tried to take an overdose, and she's the last person I'd have expected to do it. I might feel bad about myself at times- I have "death days", when everything feels like... I'm dead, and I'm kind of revisiting a time that I remember, but I'm not alive for it. I've had those for as long as I can remember.



Anyway, the point is that though I'm weird and odd, I never actually have felt like killing myself. I know a lot of people are supposed to contemplate it, I'm just not one of them. This girl is always ridiculously garrulous, and usually smiling. It sounds horrible to say so, but I honestly didn't think she was clever enough to commit suicide- it's always seen as the way out of the artist, someone who has grasped the world and dropped it immediately because it's so horrifically disgusting or some such metaphorical allegory. I didn't think she was bright enough to get close to even touching the world. Apparently her parents hit her and she's got no real friends- I can almost see why. She's so garrulous that I'd never invite her to any confidences, and it's a nervous sort of energy that she displaces onto everyone that makes you feel uncomfortable. She'll never let a silence be. She's got a speech impediment and she's fat with a hump. She hasn't got a pretty face. I've met her around four times, and she'll trail me just because I look amenable to being trailed at parties and so on. She's jewish, and she lived with some girls that used to put bacon in her food because she didn't get on with them (she's an easy target). All of these examples show how she pushes people away, or how they shit all over her. I know that someone ought to do something- she's already got two therapists- but one of my friends pointed out earlier, you can't be friends with someone just because you pity them- the strain shows sooner than you might think.



This little tale made me feel astounded, and then fortunate. I whine about my weight and sometimes my interpersonal relationships, but really, I've got no huge problems. I'm not lonely. My family love me, and I them. I am incredibly lucky not to be needy. I really think that this is one of my best attributes. It's a shame that it takes a suicidal acquaintance to bring that home to me.