Anyway

I auditioned for some more things today, recalls mainly. It's stupid, I know these are only student productions but some of them I want so badly it's ridiculous. I feel like I'm jinxing my chances writing about it, yet I don't want not to write about it.

I shall talk about the ridiculous ones- two really emo productions, which are well known but I'm sure will be badly done because the writing's so ludicrously self pitiful. If I wanted to listen to piteous droning I'd become a psychotherapist. I wouldn't pay for it.

I'm doing really well with eating-I think I will just keep thinking of myself as a thin person. Someone said to me the other day that I "kept looking really pretty", or was it that, "You look prettier every day". I wasn't quite sure why.

Anyway, I have to really learn how to think thin. Number one, I must stop totting up calories at the end of every day- I'm not eating much, and the occasional excess will do me no harm. Having said that, I've not eaten excessively since I've been back- I've kept to the "still-be-full-enough-for-a-brisk-walk" rule. The second thing is not, when I see fat people, to think "God, I could easily be like that". I frequently see people weighing about 20st and think it's only a matter of time before it catches up with me. Currently I weigh 10st 7. Noone in my nuclear family weighs 20st, so I don't think it will happen so soon, but I have to guard against this fear that I'll wake up morbidly obese. I shouldn't fear my appetite so much. The third is to stop thinking that people are born lucky- it is a great hindrance to see "naturally" thin people eat loads. I think that actually, thin people think they're eating loads, but they're actually not. And if they are, they're burning it off somehow. It's the same as fat people who think they don't eat that much. Essentially, thin people don't eat so much. If I eat like a thin person, I'll do that.

I've been eating slower lately, even when I'm hungry, and waiting till I'm really hungry to eat. This is also helpful.