Big fucking emo rant that I'll be embarrassed by in a week.

Ok. This is going to be petty, self pitiful and spoilt. I'm perfectly aware that people out there are starving in Africa or suicidal, but here are my whingings.

I didn't get a part in Lady Macbeth. I got my fourth choice of part and I feel like a complete failure. I feel like for all of the other recalls I had, they were probably laughing at or feeling sorry for me, both of which I detest. I want to cry until I vomit, but I can do neither because I am in the habit of stifling both. I am being stupid because this is student theatre and noone really cares, but it just seems like I'm perpetually second best, second choice, the dreg at the bottom of the barrel and I was really hoping that for once I'd be someone's first choice. This happens all the time. I don't begrudge the girl that got the part- she's a fantastic actress, and she's one of my really good friends. This makes my rejection worse- I feel nauseatingly jealous of her, and then shit that I'm such a bad friend that I can't be happy for her. She's a brilliant actress, so I can't blame it on that.

I just hate feeling so talentless, like I've got nothing to offer. I feel ugly. I've thrown my only chance to do that role away. I'll not be going to drama school- who wants a girl that can't even get cast in a student play she wants so badly?

I'm so stupid. I'm not clever, I'm not pretty, I can't act, I can't write. I wrote on paper last night that I didn't care that I wasn't visibly the prettiest because it sorted the wheat from the chaff, but that's shit. I care an awful lot. There's something about me that just lets everyone else pip me to the post. My siblings are cleverer or more socially adept, or just goddamn better than me. I'm not the cleverest. I'm not sought after romantically; my last entanglement was thrown off because she was already with someone she loved far more, and before that he'd just chucked me for a girl that looked like a fucking chipmunk.

Why don't things go right for me? Why is my life such a struggle? I try my fucking hardest and push push push and I get fucking nowhere. I could say it's because I'm not pretty or whatever, but I'm starting to think it's just because I'm fucking cursed, or so self pitiful that everyone can see it stamped straight through me like a stick of rock and keeps well away.

I am going to cut my hair and just change. I just don't want to be this stupid fat ugly girl that never gets what or where she wants anymore. The only thing I like about myself is that I can put on a front, and that's getting me nowhere. It's barely letting me survive.