Sittin' in an armchair with my head between my hands.

Today I ate:

three cookies
an apple
mushroom, broccoli, onion and pine nut with pasta dinner
two biscuits
half a fudge bar

My friend made me eat the fudge, but I threw it away when she wasn't looking. I didn't want to cause problems.

I feel shit about the parts still. Everyone seems to have these wonderfully complex parts, and I'm just a posh old finicky woman. I know I can take this and make it more, and make it better. But the thing is that I really, really wanted to be the pretty girl, the sought after one for once. I just wanted to be the first choice, because I feel like I never am. I thought that I really could be, just that once, just then. I thought I'd done it, but I hadn't. I must have looked so stupid in all of those auditions. I tried my best but it still wasn't good enough, and that makes me one of lifes great losers.

I wanted to be Lady Macbeth. Someone is going to do it better. I don't know what to do about this nagging sick feeling at the back of my throat.