Tomorrow begins my first week of study proper. I plan to work for two hours on my dissertation- I will most probably devote this to reading and note making.
I ate today:
A bowl of cereal
2 squares of chocolate
some sweets (less than 85p of Pic and mix)
A two egg omlette with mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes and half a slice of bread.
two forkfuls of tuna mayonnaise with sweetcorn and gherkins (at a friends).
I drank two cups of coffee. And water and squash.
Looking at this, it isn't much, but I still feel pretty fat. This is something to guard against. I've been feeling hungrier also today. Anyway, tomorrow I need to find some critics for mediaeval studies and to buy some ingredients for the cakes I'm making with friends on Tuesday for one of my friend's birthdays on Wednesday. Wednesday is play audition day....
The song I needed to hear was the Eels- Flyswatter. That's the one I wanted.
I measured my waist this morning- it's always an inch less than it is at night. Isn't that strange? Maybe we're all farters in our sleep.
I'm researching workhouses at the moment, with a view to writing some sort of historical fiction about them. I'd want to write about someone slightly mystical, maybe almost a sort of sci-fi thing. Or a circus freak who escapes. I'd like to visit one really, they were usually in and around city centres, which is strange- I'd have thought they'd have kept it secret, but it was fairly open.
Sunday 30 September 2007
Saturday 29 September 2007
I'm frozen still. Heartbroken still. I'm dying, remembering something I forgot.
I'm a bit worried that I've said something horrendously confessional or offensive to some of my friends when I was drunk, because they haven't contacted me for a while. I just hope they're busy instead.
I'm not hungry lately- I don't know if I'm ill or if this is normal eating:
Baked potato with beans and cheese
a tangerine
pasta with mushrooms, spinach and tuna
a cube of chocolate
and two coffees.
Written down it clearly isn't. I don't want to have weight dips and swings all over the place, but I am feeling better and in control at the moment. It's a self esteem thing, and at the moment I'm holding myself in higher esteem. Two square meals a day isn't going to kill me, I will eat three tomorrow, I will. I'm not excluding food groups or avoiding bad food. I am fine.
Current measurements:
Chest- 36
Waist- 28.5
Hips-39.5
Upper arm-12
Height- 5' 8.5
I feel nervous and fidgety, because of term starting and new plays coming on. I want this one play so badly, the Macbeth. I can't say it's the only one I'd want, but it would be terrible to have to play a nurse, or Lady Macduff to another Lady Macbeth. I do want that, but if I can't have that I want a big role in another play.
I'm not hungry lately- I don't know if I'm ill or if this is normal eating:
Baked potato with beans and cheese
a tangerine
pasta with mushrooms, spinach and tuna
a cube of chocolate
and two coffees.
Written down it clearly isn't. I don't want to have weight dips and swings all over the place, but I am feeling better and in control at the moment. It's a self esteem thing, and at the moment I'm holding myself in higher esteem. Two square meals a day isn't going to kill me, I will eat three tomorrow, I will. I'm not excluding food groups or avoiding bad food. I am fine.
Current measurements:
Chest- 36
Waist- 28.5
Hips-39.5
Upper arm-12
Height- 5' 8.5
I feel nervous and fidgety, because of term starting and new plays coming on. I want this one play so badly, the Macbeth. I can't say it's the only one I'd want, but it would be terrible to have to play a nurse, or Lady Macduff to another Lady Macbeth. I do want that, but if I can't have that I want a big role in another play.
Lucky in love?
Just as I was hating my house, it doesn't seem so bad and I'm enjoying being here. Should I upset the equilibrium by moving?
My ex-girlfriend that I've written about below has split up with her girlfriend. I thought that if this happened, I'd feel a sense of retribution- even though we're friends, I thought I'd be a bitch, not that I'd have said anything. She hadn't even told me about going out with this girl, but then again I'd never told her about my dalliances after we split up. We'd always been friends, and she's a good friend, so I didn't want to ruin it any more than I already had. Anyway, I felt sad for her instead- she's nice and she could do with someone lovely, not someone that mucks her about. I suppose that this must mean I'm well and truly over it. For a split second I imagined us getting back together, but then I flapped it away- it didn't have the same pull on me as before.
It's the morning. I'm probably going to go into town, buy a present for my friend and possibly two members of my famille that are coming up for birthdays. I do adore Saturdays- well, I did, when I had enough school that I could appreciate the difference.
In less than a week I've got thinner. My jeans are fitting better, I might even be into my skinny jeans, and I've got a little waistcoat that's not as tight. I can't believe how easy it's been- I'm still on tenterhooks, will I go back to how I was? Last night I had a bit of chocolate for dinner, then ate a tub of tomatoes and some houmous when I came in- it was a bit of a binge, I know it wasn't calorific but even so. That sort of behaviour worries me. Ah well, once, when I was drunk in a week- that's not so bad. Not so bad at all.
My ex-girlfriend that I've written about below has split up with her girlfriend. I thought that if this happened, I'd feel a sense of retribution- even though we're friends, I thought I'd be a bitch, not that I'd have said anything. She hadn't even told me about going out with this girl, but then again I'd never told her about my dalliances after we split up. We'd always been friends, and she's a good friend, so I didn't want to ruin it any more than I already had. Anyway, I felt sad for her instead- she's nice and she could do with someone lovely, not someone that mucks her about. I suppose that this must mean I'm well and truly over it. For a split second I imagined us getting back together, but then I flapped it away- it didn't have the same pull on me as before.
It's the morning. I'm probably going to go into town, buy a present for my friend and possibly two members of my famille that are coming up for birthdays. I do adore Saturdays- well, I did, when I had enough school that I could appreciate the difference.
In less than a week I've got thinner. My jeans are fitting better, I might even be into my skinny jeans, and I've got a little waistcoat that's not as tight. I can't believe how easy it's been- I'm still on tenterhooks, will I go back to how I was? Last night I had a bit of chocolate for dinner, then ate a tub of tomatoes and some houmous when I came in- it was a bit of a binge, I know it wasn't calorific but even so. That sort of behaviour worries me. Ah well, once, when I was drunk in a week- that's not so bad. Not so bad at all.
Friday 28 September 2007
Ho Hum.
Well well, I could be moving. One of my friends has a spare room in her house. Here are the cons of moving:
1. What will her housemates be like?
2. Can she stand living with me?
3. Is the room OK- it's the front of the house room
4. Moving will be hassle
5. It's ages from University.
But here are the pros:
1. I'm not loving this house- I dislike three of the people here, and the house has no character.
2. It would be a bigger room
3. It's nearer a lot of my friends and there's less risk of date rape.
4. It's cheaper.
5. There would be more exercise because it's further from University.
Half of the cons could be gone though, if I meet her housemates and see the room. I want to make sure it's a clean house- this house is really clean, but I only like two of my housemates. If I could get to know my friend's housemates, I'd see about it.
Also, someone said that they'd really fancied me for a while today. I can't shake the feeling that they're joking with me- when they were younger, they treated one of my friends really badly. It's this guy who's skinny and ginger- and I think he would make me feel fat (by accident) and crap (by mucking me around). Actually, I don't really get mucked around. I suppose you have to give everyone a try. However, it is nice to be sought after.
I'm doing really well with eating lately- I don't seem to be as obsessed with it as I usually am. In fact, this is the least fixated I've been in years- I'm not eating much, probably less than I should be eating. Two meals and a little meal a day, for instance today:
a smoothie
a mocha coffee
a bean wrap with cheese and salad
another coffee
an apple.
I'll probably drink a bit tonight, and see what I fancy later- it's about half six here in merry old England. I think most of it is because of worrying about my course, my house, if I'll get a role in the next play, if I'll succeed in life, and missing my family. I do miss them, which is pretty tragic to admit.
There is going to be a modern adaptation of Macbeth on this year at the theatre, done by a director that I've got a lot of respect for. I so badly want to be Lady Macbeth that I could be sick just thinking of it. I was going to write how it'll probably go to someone else here, but I think instead that I will write how perfect I am for the part. I have to start thinking better of myself. So, I've got red hair, and I can do a mean scottish accent. I can do brooding and intense, and I can turn my hand to a lot of parts. I want it very badly. There. That has to be enough for me to get it. I shall see.
1. What will her housemates be like?
2. Can she stand living with me?
3. Is the room OK- it's the front of the house room
4. Moving will be hassle
5. It's ages from University.
But here are the pros:
1. I'm not loving this house- I dislike three of the people here, and the house has no character.
2. It would be a bigger room
3. It's nearer a lot of my friends and there's less risk of date rape.
4. It's cheaper.
5. There would be more exercise because it's further from University.
Half of the cons could be gone though, if I meet her housemates and see the room. I want to make sure it's a clean house- this house is really clean, but I only like two of my housemates. If I could get to know my friend's housemates, I'd see about it.
Also, someone said that they'd really fancied me for a while today. I can't shake the feeling that they're joking with me- when they were younger, they treated one of my friends really badly. It's this guy who's skinny and ginger- and I think he would make me feel fat (by accident) and crap (by mucking me around). Actually, I don't really get mucked around. I suppose you have to give everyone a try. However, it is nice to be sought after.
I'm doing really well with eating lately- I don't seem to be as obsessed with it as I usually am. In fact, this is the least fixated I've been in years- I'm not eating much, probably less than I should be eating. Two meals and a little meal a day, for instance today:
a smoothie
a mocha coffee
a bean wrap with cheese and salad
another coffee
an apple.
I'll probably drink a bit tonight, and see what I fancy later- it's about half six here in merry old England. I think most of it is because of worrying about my course, my house, if I'll get a role in the next play, if I'll succeed in life, and missing my family. I do miss them, which is pretty tragic to admit.
There is going to be a modern adaptation of Macbeth on this year at the theatre, done by a director that I've got a lot of respect for. I so badly want to be Lady Macbeth that I could be sick just thinking of it. I was going to write how it'll probably go to someone else here, but I think instead that I will write how perfect I am for the part. I have to start thinking better of myself. So, I've got red hair, and I can do a mean scottish accent. I can do brooding and intense, and I can turn my hand to a lot of parts. I want it very badly. There. That has to be enough for me to get it. I shall see.
Wednesday 26 September 2007
Today I found out that...
Not as many people detest and despise me as believed. But if they know I think that will they detest and despise me more?
I desperately want to be an actress.
I desperately want to be an actress.
Tuesday 25 September 2007
Return's so like the first, of all of them that was the worst, but this one's going to come first, it's not bad and it won't hurt.
A synopsis of my return to University follows above. I want a bigger room, I might get one, but that's all being worked over and it's very boring for me to record.
I am not lusting after anyone at the moment, but I am craving a part in a play. The meeting is on Wednesday, next Wednesday, and I am desperate to act again. If I'm honest, it's the most exciting bit of university for me.
Since getting back to University I've been out a lot and eaten out a lot. Eating doesn't have the same hold over me here, at least not when I'm unpacking and making a room, creating a bolthole or whatever you'd call it. I get excited, I get distracted, I eat less, which makes me happier ultimately. I know this gain and loss will bite me on the arse in a few years when my metabolism is shot to pieces- or maybe it won't, maybe it won't.
My main concerns this term are my degree and my career path shortly after. In my wildest fantasies, I'd be an actress. I'd be discovered, I'd be in low-key classical pieces and dramas, and heralded as a one-to-watch. I want Emma Thompson's career.
Other paths I'm considering are film directing, illustrating, journalism, publishing, working for the foreign office and a police force job. I'd like to be an investigator, or a detective, I'd like to earn those sorts of merits off my own back. Of course I want to work to the top in all of those areas, doesn't everyone? The thing is, aside from the police force, they're heavily governed by who you know. But I have to keep telling myself that I am charismatic enough to make it there. If I keep blowing criticism into my own face I've got noone else to blame if I don't succeed.
I am not lusting after anyone at the moment, but I am craving a part in a play. The meeting is on Wednesday, next Wednesday, and I am desperate to act again. If I'm honest, it's the most exciting bit of university for me.
Since getting back to University I've been out a lot and eaten out a lot. Eating doesn't have the same hold over me here, at least not when I'm unpacking and making a room, creating a bolthole or whatever you'd call it. I get excited, I get distracted, I eat less, which makes me happier ultimately. I know this gain and loss will bite me on the arse in a few years when my metabolism is shot to pieces- or maybe it won't, maybe it won't.
My main concerns this term are my degree and my career path shortly after. In my wildest fantasies, I'd be an actress. I'd be discovered, I'd be in low-key classical pieces and dramas, and heralded as a one-to-watch. I want Emma Thompson's career.
Other paths I'm considering are film directing, illustrating, journalism, publishing, working for the foreign office and a police force job. I'd like to be an investigator, or a detective, I'd like to earn those sorts of merits off my own back. Of course I want to work to the top in all of those areas, doesn't everyone? The thing is, aside from the police force, they're heavily governed by who you know. But I have to keep telling myself that I am charismatic enough to make it there. If I keep blowing criticism into my own face I've got noone else to blame if I don't succeed.
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