I'm yearning for Unexpected Kindness again.
She's returning soon; homecoming queen. I want to see her; I will, in around a week. I want to go on holiday with her; I am going tomorrow, though not with her. I could go at the end of the month.
She is beautiful, in her way, but more than that, she desperately needs someone to tell her that she is. I don't think that anyone has told her. It's a strange thing. I know that I will probably always be beautiful to my mother (or accepted, at least). She might worry about my being accepted in the world for my face and my size, but I don't think that she would concretely call me ugly. UK's Mum has, directly or indirectly, and worse. I don't think that people do tell her, no holds barred, that she is lovely. They probably say, 'you'd look lovely if...'. It must make you someone else, if you are being told that you are not good enough directly. It was hinted at, in our house, directed at my physical form, but there were always redeeming characteristics. I don't know that UK's were ever paramount. I would like to tell her, 'you look lovely'. She's lovely because she's awkward when she's nervous and she's sweet when you don't think she will be, because you think she's forgotten and then there's this beautiful unexpected nudge. Because she's so shy of her own body and yet so present in it. Because she's ferocious in her approach to mask all of those vulnerabilities. Because she's bright, and she works hard. Because of the way she glances up from textbooks over her glasses. Because of the way her teeth are set against her lip. Because.
Thursday 13 August 2009
Sunday 9 August 2009
Some things that I know.
MC doesn't despise me. Which is wonderful. She gave me a big hug on the last day, and it was too long and too honest to be fake. And she whispered, "careful with PW, he's got a girlfriend!". I intimated that we were merely discussing Lacan platonically. I can't fathom what I have done to make her like me, or whether she's always liked me, or whether it was gladness because she thought I'd get the job I applied for and leave their department. I can't work it out. I ran these theories past Mum, why she wouldn't like me- or how I couldn't tell, because she's easily angered and I am an irritant to many. Caustic. She said that maybe MC is worried about how I perceive her, or maybe felt threatened by me. I couldn't fathom that. Apparently MC had to have literacy and numeracy top up sessions- I'd never have guessed. Anyway, anyone can learn what I know. People can learn to think. Noone can learn what she's got, which is out-and-out control and charisma. At least, I can't learn it. I can act it, after I've seen it, but I can't do it from the heart, which is exactly what she does all the time. That's why she's never irritating, and thus never wrong. I am frequently both.
I told her what I think of her- how I think she's really good at the administration, and so organised, and just generally has been a brilliant person to do my first year with. I wanted to say, and you're wonderful at everything else too- giving help, controlling people, making them want you to give them help even if they hate being helped. I didn't add this. I did it not looking at her, so I couldn't be put off, and then trotted off feeling more than slightly awkward. She seemed pleased, but it's difficult to tell- I think there was a little smile, but with MC you can never tell if you're just inflecting it on her yourself. Then later I went to a special party she'd held, and saw her being awesome again. I'm just glad she doesn't think I'm utterly shit.
Another thing I know is that JM isn't half as wet as I thought she was. She's pretty cool. In an utterly different way to MC. I respect her once she's seperated from people that don't respect her. JM is kind, and sweet (another one, sweet without intending it). She is interesting. She thinks she's bossy but isn't at all- I'd say timid. I recently heard my voice on a recorded tape, and it's far more irksome than it is in real life- high and whiny. Maybe in JM's head, her voice is a sonorous booming command, not a querulous vocal tending to a whine. I'll never know. The upshot is, she reckons she's bossy, which is utterly fatuous. She's interesting and intriguing and she'd never tell everyone everything about herself, but it's a shame because people would be interested if she opened up a bit more. She rarely tells people the important things about herself. I wonder what she's hiding? I thought she didn't associate with the rest of us because we bored her, or because she found MC terrifying (I sometimes find MC terrifying, in an I-wish-I-could-please-you way, which is so stupid. I think that JM finds her scary in a she-was-popular-and-I-wasn't way, in the way that quiet people find loud people intimidating). I think that she doesn't associate because she doesn't want us to find out about her, whatever it is. Or because she can't bear rejection. Or because she doesn't know how to do it. I have to confess that sometimes I don't know what to say to MC, because I am in awe, but you have to brave situations that scare you sometimes.
I've been corresponding with JM, and I realised all this interesting stuff about her (well, she showed me it really). So, is it that she doesn't like trusting people with information, or that she doesn't want people to think she's a showoff? I think that she is a perfectionist, and if she isn't perfect then she won't show it. I know she works hard, but ineffectively when it comes to the stuff that MC's good at. I bet she gives herself a hard time, comparing herself to people. People are mostly far more interesting than they're believed to be, but she does take the biscuit. She writes well- all the grammar's in perfect place. She's very gentle, and easily hurt I think, else why worry so much? There's a definite worried edge to JM. She's an enigma, and noone realises she is, or realises that she's worth investigating because she pads herself out with stuff that's not worth listening to sometimes when she talks, or maybe it's because she's nervous or because of something else entirely that I haven't put my finger on yet. I feel the need to head an investigation. She's worth investigating, with her thoughts on her consonant loaded name and its harshness, with her secret writing. I wonder if she does this, scribbles in secret, types at midnight? I hold her in higher esteem than I did. Not everyone can be an MC. I'd still prefer to be like MC, but I am fond of JM. She's the sort of woman who actually believes that she's fat, though she's very thin (and really believes it, isn't seeking attention). She reminds me of some breed of nodding flower, or fern. The ones that look habitually apologetic. She's also very kinetic- moving constantly, nerves, probably.
And DB. I saw her on the last day- she was with two men. I almost shouted, 'hi', because she surprised me- I didn't know it was her from the back. She moved off pretty soon after. I can't ever talk to her properly- another one I'm in awe of. And I am unsure. Now she most probably definitely thinks I am a loser, or else intruding on her posse. I wish I knew a bit more about her. I think she generally thinks I'm a bit thick- nice but dim. Not even nice. Lazy, probably. And bourgeois. Any number of sins. I can't speak to her properly because I think she's too brilliant. She, I am told, is worried about how much she knows. I always think it seems like she proliferates knowledge, specifically about feminism- about everything, but apparently it's a source of worry, having not been immediately accepted for this course she had to do... well, people fought for her and she did it. People could see she was brilliant. That never happens to me; I'm not the sort of person that inspires people to fight for me. I never have been. You can be as bright as you want, but I'm not that kind. I suppose that she seems like the sort of person that would fight for things, and so people are willing to do the same. She took the course, passed and now she's ten kinds of awesome at this job. No wonder they fought for her. Brilliance evident from the start. Another colleague described her as having, 'brass balls', which is completely apt. I would like that to apply to me. Vulnerability in strength, as always. Bright, intelligent. And she is beautiful too- she could be described as 'brassy' when I saw her. Blonde, wavy hair and berry purple lipstick. And tight black drainpipe trousers, in boots, with a brown leather jacket. She's got small features, and she looks the type of person to have been one of those elfin children- petite, all smile and squinched up eyes in the sun. Knobbly knees. Now she looks strong and unbreakable, and fun. She is a lot of fun. I wish that I could have her estimation of me. I wish I could see exactly what people thought, especially her.
I told her what I think of her- how I think she's really good at the administration, and so organised, and just generally has been a brilliant person to do my first year with. I wanted to say, and you're wonderful at everything else too- giving help, controlling people, making them want you to give them help even if they hate being helped. I didn't add this. I did it not looking at her, so I couldn't be put off, and then trotted off feeling more than slightly awkward. She seemed pleased, but it's difficult to tell- I think there was a little smile, but with MC you can never tell if you're just inflecting it on her yourself. Then later I went to a special party she'd held, and saw her being awesome again. I'm just glad she doesn't think I'm utterly shit.
Another thing I know is that JM isn't half as wet as I thought she was. She's pretty cool. In an utterly different way to MC. I respect her once she's seperated from people that don't respect her. JM is kind, and sweet (another one, sweet without intending it). She is interesting. She thinks she's bossy but isn't at all- I'd say timid. I recently heard my voice on a recorded tape, and it's far more irksome than it is in real life- high and whiny. Maybe in JM's head, her voice is a sonorous booming command, not a querulous vocal tending to a whine. I'll never know. The upshot is, she reckons she's bossy, which is utterly fatuous. She's interesting and intriguing and she'd never tell everyone everything about herself, but it's a shame because people would be interested if she opened up a bit more. She rarely tells people the important things about herself. I wonder what she's hiding? I thought she didn't associate with the rest of us because we bored her, or because she found MC terrifying (I sometimes find MC terrifying, in an I-wish-I-could-please-you way, which is so stupid. I think that JM finds her scary in a she-was-popular-and-I-wasn't way, in the way that quiet people find loud people intimidating). I think that she doesn't associate because she doesn't want us to find out about her, whatever it is. Or because she can't bear rejection. Or because she doesn't know how to do it. I have to confess that sometimes I don't know what to say to MC, because I am in awe, but you have to brave situations that scare you sometimes.
I've been corresponding with JM, and I realised all this interesting stuff about her (well, she showed me it really). So, is it that she doesn't like trusting people with information, or that she doesn't want people to think she's a showoff? I think that she is a perfectionist, and if she isn't perfect then she won't show it. I know she works hard, but ineffectively when it comes to the stuff that MC's good at. I bet she gives herself a hard time, comparing herself to people. People are mostly far more interesting than they're believed to be, but she does take the biscuit. She writes well- all the grammar's in perfect place. She's very gentle, and easily hurt I think, else why worry so much? There's a definite worried edge to JM. She's an enigma, and noone realises she is, or realises that she's worth investigating because she pads herself out with stuff that's not worth listening to sometimes when she talks, or maybe it's because she's nervous or because of something else entirely that I haven't put my finger on yet. I feel the need to head an investigation. She's worth investigating, with her thoughts on her consonant loaded name and its harshness, with her secret writing. I wonder if she does this, scribbles in secret, types at midnight? I hold her in higher esteem than I did. Not everyone can be an MC. I'd still prefer to be like MC, but I am fond of JM. She's the sort of woman who actually believes that she's fat, though she's very thin (and really believes it, isn't seeking attention). She reminds me of some breed of nodding flower, or fern. The ones that look habitually apologetic. She's also very kinetic- moving constantly, nerves, probably.
And DB. I saw her on the last day- she was with two men. I almost shouted, 'hi', because she surprised me- I didn't know it was her from the back. She moved off pretty soon after. I can't ever talk to her properly- another one I'm in awe of. And I am unsure. Now she most probably definitely thinks I am a loser, or else intruding on her posse. I wish I knew a bit more about her. I think she generally thinks I'm a bit thick- nice but dim. Not even nice. Lazy, probably. And bourgeois. Any number of sins. I can't speak to her properly because I think she's too brilliant. She, I am told, is worried about how much she knows. I always think it seems like she proliferates knowledge, specifically about feminism- about everything, but apparently it's a source of worry, having not been immediately accepted for this course she had to do... well, people fought for her and she did it. People could see she was brilliant. That never happens to me; I'm not the sort of person that inspires people to fight for me. I never have been. You can be as bright as you want, but I'm not that kind. I suppose that she seems like the sort of person that would fight for things, and so people are willing to do the same. She took the course, passed and now she's ten kinds of awesome at this job. No wonder they fought for her. Brilliance evident from the start. Another colleague described her as having, 'brass balls', which is completely apt. I would like that to apply to me. Vulnerability in strength, as always. Bright, intelligent. And she is beautiful too- she could be described as 'brassy' when I saw her. Blonde, wavy hair and berry purple lipstick. And tight black drainpipe trousers, in boots, with a brown leather jacket. She's got small features, and she looks the type of person to have been one of those elfin children- petite, all smile and squinched up eyes in the sun. Knobbly knees. Now she looks strong and unbreakable, and fun. She is a lot of fun. I wish that I could have her estimation of me. I wish I could see exactly what people thought, especially her.
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