half a cookie-200
doughnut bite-50
cereal-150
pasta and pesto-250

another...650

Darling I have mooned about today.

I am tired and long for you.

There's a certain solace in imagining you.

I went out last night with friends, and it was fun. I should meet two of them today, but one is irritatingly infantile and I don't want to see her. There were four of us- two of us went out afterwards and the others didn't. She wears childish clothes from the eighties (though I acknowledge that I'm no fashion palate) and she's got a knack of attempting to top any story that you tell with one of her own, which invariably falls short; she is the helper of the inebriated that vomit all over her car, but never actually inebriated herself. She's our age, but last year lived with a priest and served at chapel. She seems from another era entirely.

The other friend and I went to a nightclub- we'd intended drum and bass, but it didn't happen, and we had to settle for somewhere else. We went to a ridiculous, mass manufactured place- everyone was performing the courting ritual thrust, even the porkier girls with the flesh spilling out of their tops that looked as if they wanted to be somewhere else entirely. I have never understood why these women go to nightclubs; if you're a sylph, and it's all you've got, then you want to go and show what you've worked so hard for. If you're the fat friend, you simply have to tag along and pretend to enjoy it purely in pursuit of being, 'one of the girls'. We do neither- we dance like idiots and laugh at each other, which is far more fun for both of us. People were confused by what we were doing- the friend is a man- was this an ungainly courtship ritual, were we friends, mutual schizophrenics? I like debacle.

Eating today.

half a cookie-150
apricots-100

250

lentil soup-170
a slice of bread and houmous-200
a bite of twix and a bite of doughnut-40
third of a cookie-100

510

760 today so far.

Ridiculous

You think I cast a critical eye over your thighs, you'd be surprised, though I deride myself, you're beautiful unannounced, I want to hold you in your old tracksuit, hair escaping and coming loose, after a run through a lonely park, safe with me from the cold and dark.

Further eating today:

bite of doughnut-30
half a cookie-150
pea and ham soup with slice of bread-300
apricots-20

I am stuffed and it is half past six. I'm glad I'm full. I had a joint with my brother and his friend, which was calming, and a cigarette after. I do like the word cigarette.

I am missing her, and my friends, but most of all her, her beautiful softness and her comforting presence.

Food today.

Apricots
A cookie
an apple
two cups of tea
you and me, and
How beautiful and delicate you are.

I think I stayed under yesterday.

Eating

I have been doing nothing else, from sheer boredom. I've sent out CV's but I am going to have to up the jobhunt because it appears that a CV alone is not enough.

Eating so far today:

A caramel wafer thing-135
a mars mini Egg-40
muesli and milk-300

1 piece of toast and marmite-100
an apple and peanut butter-100

This makes for almost 700. In fact, it is 700. So I have got 100 more calories to play with from now to teatime. It is 2pm. I think this is feasible.

After this I ate:

two sausages and a slice of bread-300
three biscuits-200
a mars egg-40
apricots-100
carrot-30
some doughnut-30

so another 700, totting up to 1400, but I went on a bike ride and also to a yoga class, so I reason this burnt some of it off.