I see the sun in the trees, and I feel the psychedelic breeze.

Eating today:

porridge with dates and yoghurt-400
dates-20
two prawn crackers-10
two biscuits-60
a tex mex chicken wrap-400
a cookie (date and ginger)-200
a vegetable stir fry, comprising of broccoli,onion, tuna, light cream cheese and tomato puree.-150
date-20
sultanas-50
prawn crackers-20
2 biscuits-60
an options hot chocolate-40
spoonful of custard-10

1430. Not good. I walked today, not as much as I should have, but nontheless it was walking. I worry that prawn crackers have more calorific value than I accredit to them. I shall dictionary it.

After last nights entry I ate a brownie. Why do these mundane things create such panic in the pit of my porcine stomach? Really, if I look at what I eat, it's so much that it's a wonder I'm the size I am. I should be bigger.

I have got five recalls out of the six things I auditioned for the other day. Yes, it is only amateur theatre, and yes, I believe one of the recalls is because friends are directing it; but nontheless, four recalls isn't bad. I did really want to be in the thing I failed to be recalled for, but I can deal with it- two other things I'd love to be in have recalled me as well.

Recently, a friend of mine had a child. She was very young to be having one; I've known her for a long time. We're both twenty. I suppose this isn't so young nowadays, in the age of the teen mum. I've always supposed that if I got pregnant, I'd have it sucked out of me. That seems strange to think of now that a real child is alive and everyone is so happy about it; I don't think abortion was ever an option for her. I don't even think it would have been the right choice for her. Would it be for me? I'm not pregnant. But if I was to be, would I be that bad a mother? Would it ruin my life? I don't think it'll destroy hers; she's having time off work, they haven't got a house and they won't have holidays for a while but I think they'll turn out well. If anything, the child will give them impetus. Me? I'd finish here, I'd have to slave away to make enough to get by... with a baby. Incomprehensible.

The bad mother question is a big one for me; if I did get pregnant, my family would think it was best that it was gotten rid of. Because they're pro choice, and I have got to live my life. But the baby could become my life, and things would be hard but not impossible, am I that immature that I would be such a horrendous parent? I am selfish, petty, intolerant.. anyway. I am creating scenarios that will not occur.

Anyway, she's very happy with her baby (my parents tell me). I don't at all want a child now, of course, it would be far too much responsibility for me; but it has put my life into perspective. I worry about calories, school marks, social acceptance, roles in plays; my friend worries about a tiny person she maintains responsibility for. It shifts your whole view around; my Mum told me about it, then asked what I'd been doing with my week. Of course, she doesn't know about my dietary quirks, but telling her about auditions and messing around with stuff just seems so insignificant, comparatively. My friend is content, happy and I think she'll make a good Mum.

Isn't psychedelic the antithesis of phonological spelling?

Most children parent on the basis of avoiding pitfalls that their parents created. I can think of nothing that my parents have done that is wrong; I haven't got anything to avoid.