Queen Adreena aren't so hot.

Ok.

2 slices of bread fried with one egg- (320)

a brownie (200)

tuna pasta and broccoli (400)

a packet of chocolate buttons (70g) (340)

an apple (40)

six seventy, six forty, twelve, eleven, adds to 1310. Not too bad I suppose, if I don't eat anything else... did I eat a biscuit? No I don't think I did. It's not as bad as I thought, anyway. I shouldn't buy chocolate, it's far too dangerous. I'll probably eat more, fatty that I am.

I keep seeing photos of myself and looking horrendously fat. Broad, double chinned... worse even than the tyrant mirror. I hate these photographs. All photographs. There were some taken of our performance, that our lighting director said I look good in; this is the worst thing yet, as if these are pictures of me looking good what must I look like when I look bad? There are all these slim, willowy perfect bodies; and then mine, looking as if it'll crush the chair I'm perched on. Lots of people that came to the Vagina Monologues commented that we were all very attractive; I suppose it's wrong to say "eleven of you are really attractive; that one capsizing on the tiny chair at the back wasn't too hot". I just want some flattering photos; but they'll never be taken, unless I swap bodies with someone. So instead, I'll stick to the regime.

Now that my drivel is over.

Hm. I feel I've lost my spark.

I am going to be in Chekov's the Seagull as Polina... whilst I am very happy to have the part, I desperately want to know if I was first choice for it or not. Because if I'm not, I'd want to know about it. Just so I know, where I rate in the grand scheme of things; but I can't ask my director. He'll think all my ideas about theatre being up itself are completely hypocritical if I ask such a thing.

I miss her. She said she was coming to see the Vagina Monologues; I was hoping she'd at least do that. She came in too late to see my monologue at the back and left soon after. She hates me. I want to text her with something flippant to let her know we're still OK. But I can't because she obviously wants nothing to do with me. So I should just leave it. And even if she does want something to do with me, I should have higher self esteem than to pander to someone that leaves me on a cliff edge every time and doesn't tell me why they want to stop seeing me really... though she's got issues of her own, and I'm not exactly blameless, snooping around like an internet stalker. I am so insecure and stupid. It could be that she still wouldn't mind me around and feels exactly the same way, but I doubt this. I want the old days back, before everything got too complicated. I want to look like a pretty little doll, so that I can be insecure and stupid but at least not look so hideous.

I met a guy at a party the other day I considered having sex with, just because I could. I know him just enough to have sex, just enough for it not to be embarassing because I don't know him that well and could avoid seeing him again. I'd be curious to have sex with him; he's doing an MA, he's clever enough. Hmmm. I'll see how it goes.