It certainly doesn't feel that way. Well. I've had 1500 today including two drinks. I hate being described as sturdy. I detest the fact that this description came from a friend who knows me so well; she said "let the three sturdiest sit in the back." And undoubtedly I was one of them. Now, the friend I'm mentioning isn't sturdy; she classed me with herself. But it's hearing someone else say that I am that bothers me. It's the shrouding of the word big, or fat. Why not just say the three fattest? She said she'd act as my fat barometer... she hasn't. She lied and said I was slim. I'm not. I hate that I base so much of my self esteem on this fact I already knew to be true, and on the very motif; who cares? Does it honestly matter if I am fat or thin, within reason? No of course not. But to think that this is what everyone is secretly thinking... thank god I don't look like that... the ignonomy. The pity, worse.
Anyway. What else? I handed in an essay, I laughed. I saw a shoddy play. I am in a play. I am the heaviest girl. I am the tallest, widest, and ugliest... I hate being touched. If it isn't sex I know I am giving them nothing back, except dead weight. And who wants to feel a mollusc such as I? I should stop being so self pitiful. That is what makes me pitiful.
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