Well I know that it's a wonderful world, from the sky down to the sea, but I can only feel it when you're here, here with me.

Well, I have done some ridiculous eating today. Pasta for breakfast, so 400 straight off. Then a three course meal (camembert, pear salad and a tart of chocolate for pudding)- I think 900 at least. Then I made cakes and consumed chocolate with friends, so another 500, and lastly I've had a pear. Forty. 2000. I feel sick, just that I'm that full. Disgusting. I felt so fat as well, I always do at rehearsals. But I had a good day, with lots of laughing and fun.

Anyway. What is important about today? Three good things. I arose early (at eight thirty). I accomplished many things. Someone complimented me on my tie, we bought balloons for friends to eat with on their birthdays. I enjoyed my hair today. She spoke a little to me. Two people said they'd like to dress as I do- but are these just fake compliments?

I worry she thinks I am cliquey and ridiculous, or fake, a different person around others. Maybe this is me, reflecting back through her eyes? Oh how I construct. And I let her down today, that's the worst. I hate that some of my friendship groups are construed as cliques, I want people around, I don't care who they are. I hate that it's still got such a bearing on life after I thought such puerile things were left in school. Strange, that word puerile- it comes from puer, boy. But isn't it really women who are meant to be puerile, especially historically speaking? Does this mean that women, the quintessential boyish object, are simply waiting to grow into men, rapt with the concept of penis envy and desiring their own conscious active? Well, Freud would say so. Then again he was a crazy chauvinist. And women have gained autonomy and we're enfranchised. That disproves the point entirely.

So how would I like to appear? Intelligent, sepulchral, thin... brave. Beautiful, strong-featured, quirky. Decisive, respected, a good actress.