Oh, Academia.

To sit in a glaze lit bunker staring at the half-accomplished feats of academia
Is not half as pleasing as it would be to have you lie in my arms
Radiating a soft luminosity and telling me all the things you hate
Or like. And to warm my feet on you and hear your voice in my ear.

I succumb.


Something that interests you and I;

apricots-50
half a biscuit-100
caramel shortbread-100
sweets-100
soup and two slices of bread-350
apricots-50
egg fried rice and seaweed-4-500

So 1250. What would you think if you knew this count happened nightly? You would assume, that far from being healthier than usual, I am slipping back. I am eating what I feel like, which is not much. You keep saying I am getting thinner; is this worry that you are lagging behind and I am winning, or real and true worry about me? Why do I always think in terms of competition, it isn't right, it isn't right. I feel I am winning. I might be falling back; I shouldn't calorie count, that way lies despair. But similarly I cannot forego it altogether; you know full well. And I am trying so desperately hard not to care at all about the way I look, or to value myself for other things than how I appear; but it is hard. And you need to learn this too, though for different reasons to me; because you think you are ugly or fat, when you are neither, but saying this would make no difference to you. So, if you cannot accept that you are not ugly or fat then start to accept that it does not matter because you are socially adept and wonderful and comic tragic all at once, with your graceful flippant ways, and that, my dear, is the most wonderful thing. You do not need the beauty that you blindly possess. I would adore you with or without, it makes no difference to me but a world of difference to you. It makes a world of difference to me; but I am learning.

I wonder what my Grandma would think of me. I am not ladylike; nor am I pushy enough to get what I want. I am not family-oriented outside those I like. I think she might endure the calorie counting.