Panic and catharsis and sublimation all in one.

Eating today:

smoothie-120
ice cream-200
two slices of bread-300
raisins-200
smoothie-120
2 sausages, mash potato, broccoli-400
1/4 a snickers-80

And I think that will do for today at least.

Little Bird, I have adored you today because there is nothing else to do. I like glass girl too. She is so sarcastic, so clever. She has never really loved anyone, she told me, or at least noone that loved her back. I would perhaps like to be the first; but this is unlikely. I don't trust her; she scares me when I am apart from her, because I cannot read her; I feel there's something she's keeping back. But that could be because of her parents; or because she is manipulative; I do not know. I can't tell. She seems too cool, too clever for bumbling me. I wonder if she associates with me because I am so obviously safe, because she can read any and everything I think? Because I am easy. She wonders why people associate with her, well, are friends with her. Because she's funny and clever; and it's safer to be friends than not to be. That isn't it really. Not because it's safer. It's because she is funny and sometimes insecure (though I wonder if this is to chime with what I want?) and obviously incredibly bright. She isn't too hard on the eye, though that isn't what makes me friends with her.

Little Bird, on the other hand, I trust completely. She is beautiful and clever, and emotional. I feel like glass girl has got an emotional dis-attatchement- which I feel sometimes too. But it still unnerves me in her. Little Bird is so much of the world, and of the people in it. She will entertain a crowd and mingle because she so wants to mask that she feels she's worse than everyone there; glass will sit quietly, masquerading that they intimidate her, but truly she knows that she is judging them and thus in a position of superiority. It's a dichotomy in her. In both of them, I suppose. I could be utterly wrong, but I am willing to accept that.

It's that wish to please everyone all the time that makes me want to grab hold of Little Bird when she's being frantic, to hold her and to say, "you don't have to do this with me", and to let her be quiet. I know that this is part of her appeal, and everyone wants to be this sort of solace for her because there is a solace in being a source of solace. I would be truthful though; if she talked about how she was ugly, I would say firstly that I thought she was beautiful and secondly that beauty is pointless and evanescent. If she worried about people hating her, I would ask her what of them? And if she worried about her Dad, I would just let her talk and tell her I didn't know what to say, but that I adored her. I would let her talk and talk and talk until she wanted to sleep. Or I would lie quiet. This will never happen.