There's a bypass I walk past with twigs grasping out into the road that I edge past, but they get the better of me and snag my headphones out of my ears, so that I have to spend time persuading them to give me my equipment back against the moon and the lurid floodlights. The branches feel concealing, as if they're hiding a dead hand or a predator, so that when they stroke me I'm always wondering if it's just twigs. I'm far happier on main roads or grass expanses by the byway.
You can play with me there sometimes if you catch me in the mood.
I walked almost a perfect semicircle round her house. I didn't think about it whilst I was doing it, but now that I think on it, I did. I need someone comforting at the moment, because I'm just feeling like I can't do a lot of things. When other people can, it throws into contrast that I can't- there's a girl my age at work that is far better than me at what I do, and I'm all wrong, especially when I'm tired- I can't even be properly enthusiastic that way. I disdained her because she was pretty, and I believed ineffective, but that's proved me wrong. Pretty and effective, people are often both. Or can be. Then there's B, and I feel guilty whining about my character flaws which are insignificant and alterable when she's got something looming so awful and definite. She's good with children as well and I know that this is a silly and self absorbed thing to be masochistic with.
I don't want to go out and see anyone. I want to go for long walks on my own and then come back to a place where B and our other three from University are, and lie down somewhere warm and watch a film instead of talking or doing anything. That's what I want. Failing that, taking some hard drugs would be a bonus. I just want something soft and comfortable and happy.
Self indulgent twaddle, as usual- do I ever write anything else?
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