I learned the truth at seventeen...

Is love made for beauty queens? Not for me. They seem sterile and aloof and unloveable. Too plastic. I have an aversion to pneumatic beauty.

Though Mother keeps saying I'm slim and pretty, and noone else I work with must be... why not? And why should either of those things make me better than anyone else? I'm never quite what it says on the tin. People think I'll be down with the kids, but I'm really the biggest loser on the block. MC's brilliant, but I'm just a little bit Rainman with a penchant for histories and books and love lorn looks. I'm the eldest, yet I'm not a leader. I don't incite admiration or inspiration... I just am. I'm the clown and the person sitting in the corner quietly watching then joining in, occasionally producing the odd good thing.

I saw a play tonight with one black character (out of nine) in it; it was kind of historical, and I'm trying to research her character; it hasn't got any history, and I thought there would be something to back it up. The character was like that in general; to add atmosphere, not for a purpose, and the actress was brilliant. She could act amazing and sing in a voice that left me slack jawed, and definitely could have done more than that part, with nothing to locate it in history like the rest of the women. I would like to know more about her character, more than just the typical scary black voodoo woman. I hate it when people are portrayed like that, it's such a stereotype. There's something more to everyone than that.

I will not be a baby doll. I never have been, and I refuse to be vulnerable and delicate because I never have been, I've never looked young, or I have but school boy young... I'm all hips and no breasts, and I'm not ashamed anymore. I will not play the part of the ingenue because I am not her, I'm something different and I cannot be shoehorned into it. I will take up that place, for the one ugly girl, at drama school, because I am broad and masculine and I am happy.