I want to know

How far people actually esteem me.

A narcissistic goal. But nontheless, I do need to know.

B, for example. She wants me to get up early; I don't want to. It'll be hard. And I'm not brilliant at timekeeping. I value her opinion more because she is a close friend; and she is pushing because she is being pushed, everything that she's going through. But I wouldn't push her like she pushes me.

I feel like this about quite a few people; and it doesn't make me feel safe.

DB, I know, esteems me far lower than I do her. This is alright because I expect it. I expect that it is so. It's so for many people that I work with; I hold them higher, they hold me lower, because I can't do the things that they do. I like this because it gives me something to aspire to. Even if I can do something that they can't (speak French)- it's only momentary- and not essential to what I'm doing- they could do what I do without speaking another language, which is amazing. And that is alright. MH as well.

Lady of the House. I adore her. She's a safe person; but she's someone who I'll never know with. I know that she's happy to walk with me, to talk with me, but she uses the same tactics with me that she does everyone else. She will persuade me with questions when she really wants to question what I think; and this is a good way of persuading, because it makes you justify your opinions, but I do wish that she'd just be blunt and argue with me sometimes. I suppose that I crave contact, and even if that's bellicose it still remains. She's approaching her sexagenarian years, and yet, I adore her. My sister said she looked like she smells, and still I don't care. She wears fleecy jumpers (purples) and she'd come in from the walk, looking ruffled. I'd held her hand crossing ice, thinking she might slide or slip in a car park. I didn't realise that she was slower than I was crossing it until I looked back. She didn't take my hand at first, but when she did she held it as fast as I was holding hers. I can see the person that she is; forceful without forcing, powerful without craving power, and it's beautiful.

Besides, she doesn't smell. She smells of the house, of food. She smells like nourishment and practicalities realised. She sat here, where I'm sitting now, and opened up over cups of tea about how she feels now; single sex relationships, friendships, are paramount, and her husband's in America. She forgets names sometimes. There are so many names in her life; names of the people that go through her home. I feel like a child, in comparison; I haven't done, I haven't been. I'm still here, where I was born, like a snail in its shell. She might despise the little that I have accomplished, being so sheltered and fulfilling what was so expected.

The Lady of the House is a safe person; a sage. She never probes, but gives information about herself willingly. She trusts just enough; she will trust people with her home and her money (but she doesn't regard these as important) but I'd like to think that she hasn't trusted lots of people with things she's told me; about loss, about how losing her children (to other homes) is replicated every time someone leaves her house. I'd like to think that but I can't quite believe it because she shares with everyone, so freely and willingly. She's wise and implacable.

Then, there are (those rare few) who esteem me more than I esteem them. KB- 'thankyou for inspiring me'. In a christmas card. But I know that she must be utterly awful at her job if I can inspire her. There are so many inspirational people that do what we do; it's only because I am like her (awkward, with a degree) that she believes that I am inspirational. I wonder if she would find someone without a degree inspirational, or if she's a snob? Is this why she's not inspired by others- or is it because they're too hard, because they appear hard and brash? The people that I work with are kind and brilliant, and any fool should be able to see that you don't need a degree to be intelligent. But then, why wouldn't she find DB wonderful? It could be because I can speak French and have a modicum of social knowledge. It could be because I don't dress myself in purple constantly. It almost irritates me that she finds me inspirational, because there are so many other people who are far better than I am that she could look to.

I know why it is. We aspire to what we can reach; and I am a strange, odd person that somehow manages to get by with younger ages on enthusiasm alone. She is a strange, odd person that doesn't know how to do that yet. DB is a social phenomenon who is also educated, so could get by with any age, and exhibits intellectual prowess, particularly regarding feminism, which KB, with her awful chick-lit novels, could never realise; she's too far. The others are as well- or maybe she supposes them beneath her, because they're not as educated. This is so ridiculous that I detest even typing it. MC is learning literature; she's a voracious reader. MR is so kind, and so adept at everything, and reads further than KB does. She is better at the same job. Everyone is intelligent; no one would be incapable of completing my degree, but I am incapable of doing what they do. This is the basis of it.