Why does the power of speech elude me?

And I just sit like a cabbage, like KB. A social event is the hardest thing to negotiate for me- a social event with no one else around, just acquaintances that like to play silly games with balloons. So I seem po-faced for not joining in... but it's not that, it's that I'm shy, not shocked. I wasn't on form at all- I was distant and glazed, and a bit thick.

"the department has a high regard of you". MH speaks highly of me, apparently. A surprise. I think she likes that I try hard; it's not that I get anywhere, but she appreciates the effort. Ugh.

I can't be myself when I'm around someone I want most to be the real me around. Ugh. Why on earth can't I just be normal, instead of stuttering or halting or gazing off spaced into the mid distance? Especially for DB, who doesn't like middle class people at best. So why can't I win people over instead of making them think I'm some stupid little girl. A twelve year old boy does better than I do. I am just not socially adept.

What do I fear most?

I do not fear people thinking that I am weird. I take it for granted that they will assume this.

I fear people speaking about me as MC does of KB- though she did take cigarette breaks with me. "Of course she looks fucking familiar- you work with her!" On KB's attempt at conversation initialisation. The thing is that though I pretend to be adept, secretly, I can see where KB's weaknesses lie (and maybe this is why I detest her- I can see these things in myself). A tendency to remain silent when under pressure, or daze off because you're omitting yourself from a situation that could go wrong when you're under pressure. A worry about saying the wrong thing, so keeping schtum. An idea that smiling along doesn't make you look inane, but fun. Smiling is alright- but too much and you start to look like you've had a lobotomy. I am worried that:

1. People will think that I am inane.
2. Or self centred.
3. Or have no idea about the world.
4. Or will cotton on that I am obsessive about people. A lot.

Or just boring, people might think I'm boring.

Especially round DB. I feel the need to prove myself, prove that I am good enough, because I am aware that I'm not- that I don't measure up. And it had been such a god day.

Ah well, fixate on something else (ugh, and the longest conversation was about what I'd eaten- will she think I'm on a diet, running between lessons and stupid things like that? That's another awful, trivial thing that I don't want anyone to be believing about me).

Well. I don't mind doing this secretly- jotting down eating and things- but I do mind doing it in an open way. I don't want to be a bore.

carrot-30
2 cakes-250
a jacket potato with beans and cheese-400
680
dinner- turkey, a potato, yorkshire puddings, vegetables-500

1180. And a shed load of alcohol. Damn.