Ugh.

I am still in the pit.

B rang. I am meant to be a good friend, and yet, she's going through this terrible thing at the moment, and I'm moaning and whinging about far smaller things. Far more insignificant ones. She's talented and intelligent and she's going where she wants to go despite her Mum dying. I, on the other hand, sit and stagnate and whinge.

She's got a habit of glossing; she always glosses over unpleasantness, anything, and always ends on an upbeat note. Maybe it's because I'm so dolorous, but I can't fathom why; I'd just say that things are shit and let that be it. I don't know why she has to make everything good; it disconcerts me; where's her outlet? Because things aren't always good for her. I think she likes to do it by controlling things; by cooking for people and organising for them, things like that.

She asked me if anything had gone on with me romantically. I responded the usual, no. Of course... I couldn't say, "yes, me and Little Bird". Little Bird is our close friend. I would have liked to tell B, but I just couldn't because Little Bird hasn't told anyone, so neither can I.

Rejection, rejection, rejection.

And not being good at anything.

Today DB said, "Lau has started coming to my group, at lunch". I responded that it wasn't because of me (which is true- she'd done it after I talked to her). It's because of NG, who can work miracles (it seems to me). She's got life experience. I can put it on this. I can say, ah, it's because she's got experience that she can encourage teens to come in instead of skiving. It's because of the way she is. Another colleague, who's been there a matter of weeks, managed to sort someone out with mild schizophrenia. It's not that they can because of any number of reasons; it's that I can't, and I can't stand DB thinking I've done something good that I haven't done, any more than I can stand being rejected for this slew of things that I might have been alright at. It's so depressing; seeing her face light up in the corridor only to tell her, no, it wasn't me. It was NG, who she'd get on far better with. Another way to let people down and to let myself down; by not doing, by not being able to.

Walking on, walking on broken glass.