Embarrassed by myself.

Sadly, even my calorific triumph is marred today. I realise I am still tied fast to stupid dreams.

a bagel with cream cheese; pesto on one half, honey the other (400)
a tuna and cheese sandwich with a tomato (400)
an orange- 20
some sultanas and pumpkin seeds -100
mushroom, broccoli and onion stir fry with rice and egg. (400)

It would have been more if not for an impromptu reminder I should have been practising the play, which I was glad of.

I think I still like her, definitely as a friend, if not more. Bombazine doll. Today we were with another friend, and the subject of infidelity came up; she said she'd cheat on someone if she hated them, or if she felt trapped and liked the person. The second one, I think, is me. She probably went through a phase of the first as well. She doesn't know that I know, or is submerging it. I think her approach to things is definitely that if it hurts, there is no need for it to be said. Which is less painful for me. I hate myself for being so fixated; I haven't usually stayed friends with people after dumping. I hate that I have to write it all out here, all my fixation on paper; at least I know it is a ridiculous and unreciprocated fixation. It is not reality. Anyway, she has got a perfect girlfriend. And this is best for her; she deserves the best. And we are friends again, proper friends.

I just feel so much. I am listening to Into The West, by Annie Lennox, and Paper Bag by Fiona Apple. I think I am most annoyed that everyone wants a slim pretty girl. Everyone in the world does. Or someone intelligent, and I have ceased to feel either. I find to be described as womanly insulting, but I find the same with manly or girlish; the only thing left is boyish, then. I suppose boyish is a good way to be described; mischevious, slender, honest and forthright. I would have said I was manly, if anything; but she said I was womanly.